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If you thought Joe Biden's post-White House life was going to be all ice cream cones and awkward stares into the middle distance, think again. The man who spent the last few decades perfecting the art of the slow-motion stumble is now getting his innards zapped with radiation and hormones to fend off an aggressive prostate cancer that's about as subtle as his deteriorated mental status.
A spokesperson dropped the bombshell on Saturday, confirming that our favorite whispery elder statesman is deep into a treatment cocktail for the big C that decided to crash his retirement party.
"As part of a treatment plan for prostate cancer, Biden is currently undergoing radiation therapy and hormone treatment," said Kelly Scully, a Biden aide.
Ah, yes, because nothing says "still got it" like hormone therapy at 82. Remember when Biden shuffled out of the Oval in January, six months after that debate debacle with Donald Trump turned him into a viral meme of frailty? The one where America collectively went, "Wait, is he reading from cue cards or channeling his inner Weekend at Bernie's?"
Yeah, that exit came after he wisely (or staff-forced, take your pick) bowed out of the reelection race amid a chorus of "age, health, and mental fitness" concerns that echoed louder than Eric Swalwell after a Taco Bell.
Trump, meanwhile, steamrolled past Kamala Harris, Biden's cackling understudy, and reclaimed the keys to the kingdom.
Trump, meanwhile, steamrolled past Kamala Harris, Biden's cackling understudy, and reclaimed the keys to the kingdom.
Sucks to be Team Blue, huh?
Fast-forward to May, when Biden's post-presidential entourage announced the prostate punch: cancer, stage aggressive, with a horrible spread to the bones. It all kicked off with some urinary symptoms that probably had the docs muttering, "Well, that's one way to go out with a leak."
For the uninitiated in oncology bingo, prostate cancers get their menace measured on the Gleason scale—6 to 10, where 8-10 are the bad hombres that don't mess around. Biden's clocked in at 9, meaning this thing's got more fight than a typical CNN panel defending illegal immigration.
And just to keep the medical drama rolling, last month he carved out time for a forehead facelift courtesy of skin cancer surgery. Because why not accessorize your golden years with a parade of scalpels and scans? Look, if this is the universe's way of saying "retire harder, Joe," it's landing with all the grace of a teleprompter fail.
Fast-forward to May, when Biden's post-presidential entourage announced the prostate punch: cancer, stage aggressive, with a horrible spread to the bones. It all kicked off with some urinary symptoms that probably had the docs muttering, "Well, that's one way to go out with a leak."
For the uninitiated in oncology bingo, prostate cancers get their menace measured on the Gleason scale—6 to 10, where 8-10 are the bad hombres that don't mess around. Biden's clocked in at 9, meaning this thing's got more fight than a typical CNN panel defending illegal immigration.
And just to keep the medical drama rolling, last month he carved out time for a forehead facelift courtesy of skin cancer surgery. Because why not accessorize your golden years with a parade of scalpels and scans? Look, if this is the universe's way of saying "retire harder, Joe," it's landing with all the grace of a teleprompter fail.
Here's hoping the treatments zap this thing into oblivion faster than Trump zapped the polls.
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