Coney Island councilman wants to preserve part of wooden boardwalk and de Blasio remains an idiot

Photo: Rob Hoey

Brooklyn, NY -- Ari Kagan, an incoming City Council member, will be representing Coney Island once he takes office. He plans to fight the tall idiot running the city, Comrade Warren Wilhelm Jr., [aka Bill de Blasio] who wants to replace Coney Island's wooden boardwalk [known formally as the Riegelmann Boardwalk] with a plastic one. And while it isn't known if the plastic will warp from the sun like my toy rifle did when, as a child, I left it in the back window of my dad's car, the idea of replacing the iconic boardwalk with plastic is as vapid and stupid as the man who wants it replaced.

The boardwalk runs from outside the private community known as Seagate, through all of Coney Island, to Brighton Beach, about 2.7 miles total. [Not to inject myself too much into this post, but I have run the length of it hundreds of times in preparation for the NYC Marathon.] 

Kagan is a Democrat and will be replacing Mark Treyger in January. His pronouns are: he, it, zzzt.

The wood has been replaced before and the city wants to replace the existing hardwood with crappy plastic planks and concrete. Kagan wants to preserve the hardwood area that covers Luna Park and its famous Cyclone roller coaster and other attractions. It's basically a five block stretch.

[Fun Fact: the Cyclone ride takes approximately 1 minute and 28 seconds from start to finish--your times may vary based on weight of the screaming occupants.]

“We need to do everything possible to maintain the historical nature of the boardwalk,” Kagan said. 

Two weeks ago comrade de Blasio announced the $114.5 million Parks Department renovation as the first phase of a huge reconstruction of the boardwalk. While the plastic is apparently more durable than wood, it is as aesthetic as the photo below, also taken by me in Coney Island some years ago.

Coney Island rat
(Photo by Rob Hoey)

The wooden planks have traditionally come from Brazil.

[Fun Fact: in practicing for the New York City Marathon in 1985, I tripped on a board along the boardwalk due to a nail sticking up and catching my foot. I sprained my ankle and missed running that race and the Long Island Marathon several weeks later. But do you really care?]

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The city has not yet decided which part of the walkway to target for phase one, but my bet would be the Seagate area since that beach is less populated in the summer and there would be less disruption.

Once Eric Adams replaces de Blasio as Mayor of New York in January, he will make the decision as to the boardwalk's fate. Kagan says he would like to work with Adams on a solution but for now, Adams has declined comment. 

Parks Department spokes cis gender woman Meghan Lalor defended the city’s plan, saying it “has a long-standing policy of reducing the use of tropical hardwoods.”  Because wood has feelings too.

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PA town paints blue stripe to honor cops but there's a problem

Bainbridge, PA -- A central Pennsylvania community painted a blue stripe between the double-yellow lines on some of their streets in honor of first responders: police, firefighters and ambulence workers.

However, the Penn. Department of Transportation is concerned that the Conoy Township might have gone too far.

The problem is, the stripe is out of compliance with state highway rules and Greg Penny, PennDOT spokesperson says that drivers could get confused and the township could be liable if the coloring causes a crash.

The New York City Marathon had the same problem.

The New York Road Runners Club, the organization that puts on the 26.2 mile event every year around the first Sunday in November, paints a blue stripe that begins at the foot of the Verrazano Narrows Bridge and runs through all five New York City Boroughs.

The stripe is painted around mid-October causing cars, trucks and buses to run amok onto curbs, into buildings, and along one-way streets the wrong way.

Thousands of people are injured and confused as to what exactly they should do about that blue stripe.

But the Conoy Township supervisor chairman Stephen Mohr disagrees that the blue stripe could be a distraction in spite of all the mayhem and death preceeding the NYC Marathon.

In spite of all the evidence, the township has no plans of removing this horrible distraction and will honor their first responders in spite of all the evidence.

May God protect the township of Conoy.


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