Taliban leader Mullah Mansour likely droned dead-UPDATE

Afghan authorities are now confirming that Taliban dirtbag Mullah Mansour is, indeed, deader than Hitler's flatulence. 

Afghan Taliban leader Mullah Mansour (pronounce Man Sewer) is likely doing 72 virgins right now. A U.S. airstrike is said to have blown his dirty butt to Virgin Come.

The strike was authorized by President Obama and took place along the Pakistan-Afghanistan border near Anmad Wal, a small jerkwater town little known to suicidal tourists.

Mansour was blown away while traveling southwest of Quetta, Pakistan. The strike was carried out by several drones safely operated, far away, in an air conditioned room, by U.S. Special Operations Forces. 

Nobody else was hurt in the operation, not even a mouse.

A U.S. official said that "Mansour killed American soldiers and thousands of Afghans. The world is a better place without him."

His four wives would disagree, as would his goat.

The White House is awaiting official confirmation of Mansour's death so that Obama can take full credit and pretend he has a pair, but he will not do it on camera, possibly due to a conflicting golf engagement.

Mansour was not listed on the State Department's Rewards for Justice list, a placement reserved for our top enemies, but Donald Trump is, according to Hillary Clinton. 

However, there was a $10 million bounty on Mullah Omar, the previous head scumcrumpet of the Taliban (pronounced "Tahleebahn" by our 'Hawaiian-born president). Omar was pronounced dead in 2015 but reportedly died in 2013--it was the odor that gave him away.

Mullah Omar gave Osama bin Laden shelter in Afghanistan and provided him with porn tapes for his holy entertainment.

The Taliban and Al Gore Qaeda "worked closely" in the past, but they don't fit the "official" definition as a foreign terrorist organization as defined by the State Department, who see the problem as a being caused by a lack of jobs.

Members of Congress "high-fived," and spiked Korans after hearing the news of Mansour's demise. 

May he rest in pieces.

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Another Mullah, Another Jihad

Man Sewer

Mullah Akhtar Mohammad Mansoor (pronounced "Man Sewer") is the new leader of the Afghan Taliban now that it has been announced Mullah Omar is worm food. True to his religious calling, Man Sewer has promised on almighty Allah to continue killing in the prophet's name in order to establish an Islamic state. 

He is a former Aviation Minister in the 1996-2001 government.

The audio message from the Sewer also spoke about his religious organization's new peace talks with the Afghan government, but where the scumcrumpet's allegiances are, only Allah knows, and he's not talking.

This gets 72 virgins?

It was confirmed on Thursday that the one-eyed, one-horned, fighting Mullah Omar was dead. Man Sewer was elected by a unanimous-or-else vote as his successor. It was announced by the government of Afghanistan (both Christiane Amanpour and Barack Obama pronounces it Aahfghahneestahn) that Omar has been dead since April 2013 but did not go into specifics about how or where he died, only that he won't be killing Jews for Allah anymore--or anyone else, for that matter.

"We should keep our unity, we must be united, our enemy will be happy in our separation," Man Sewer said in his message to his zombie followers. "This is a big responsibility for us. This is not the work of one, two or three people. This is all our responsibility to carry on jihad until we establish the Islamic state."

Had it been Joe Biden leading the Taliban in this speech, he might have said what a big f$#%ing deal it is.

Obama said these guys aren't Muslims--they might be HIndus or perhaps Jews, but they certainly don't sound like Muslims to him.

Zabiullah Mujahid, the Taliban spokesrobot sent the audio to journalists on Saturday but the Associated Press was unable to verify the identity of the speaker from the recording.

You may recall how Mullah Omar hosted Osama bin Laden's group 'back in the day.' The Taliban leader, fearful for his miserable life, had not been seen in public since fleeing to Pakistan (pronounced "Paahkeestahn" by guess who) after we led the invasion that kicked the Taliban from power. Guess he wasn't into brown-eyed virgins back then.

Have you noticed how the leaders are never the suicide bombers?

It's probable that Pakistan sheltered and supported the Taliban during the war. Man Sewer is considered to be close to Pakistan and is believed to support the peace process initiated by Afghan President Ashraf Ghani, and sponsored by Pakistan.

Man Sewer's call for unity is in response to a son of Mullah Omar, Yacoob, who opposed Man Sewer's election that was held in Quetta, Pakistan. The Taliban leader has been basically leading the club as Omar's deputy for the past 3 years, so why not give the guy a break? He's doing his best to calm things down among the rank and vile, calling for patience and for the group to ignore reports about the peace process.

"Let me handle things," he is saying in effect. "You wouldn't be disappointed." 

He said the goal of the movement was to establish an Islamic state in Afghanistan, just as always. "The jihad will continue until we establish the Islamic government in our country," he barked.

Obama, in an effort to clarify how he sees the religion of peace said that jihad is about an inner struggle--don't believe this war nonsense. "Oh look, squirrel, squirrel!"




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