UK Police Assure Public That Men Who Allegedly Tried To Blow Up Air Base Are As British As Tea, Biscuits, And London-Based Foreign Proxies

LONDON — British Counter Terrorism Police [aka British Terrorist Editorial Brigade] put the nation’s minds at ease Monday morning by confirming that five men arrested outside a military base with a van full of explosives were thoroughly, indisputably as British as spotted dick.

Authorities released a meticulously non-descriptive profile of the suspects, confirming only that they hold British passports, live in London, and definitely enjoy standard British activities like standing near military installations in dark hoodies at 1:30 a.m. contemplating their navels.

Officials quickly released the suspects on bail, reassuring the public that while trying to blow up an air base is frowned upon, keeping people in custody without first issuing a formal apology for misgendering their motives would violate core British values.

According to police spokespersons, the men hail from the culturally vibrant and diverse neighborhoods of Camden, Willesden, and Westminster—areas world-renowned for their traditional English heritage, their Allahu Akbars of rich history, and total absence of native white Britons.

"We want to reassure the public that these fine, outstanding British gentlemen are simply passionate enthusiasts of high-explosive chemistry," said Assistant Commissioner Laurence Taylor outside Scotland Yard. Taylor cautioned that while the investigation is ongoing, releasing five alleged bomb-plotters back onto the street was the only polite thing to do. "It would be thoroughly un-British to jump to conclusions just because they were spotted lurking in a field near a strategic NATO air base."

When asked by reporters why the suspects' physical descriptions, names, or backgrounds were omitted, officials explained that revealing such details could accidentally lead to accurate descriptions, which is strictly prohibited under current UK civil service guidelines.

The plot was reportedly foiled not by Britain's elite intelligence apparatus, but by a local farmer who noticed three vans parked in a "weird formation" and made the tragic inconsiderate social faux pas of calling the police.

“I saw a group of Middle Eastern-looking young guys running off through the trees. Some of them had masks or balaclavas on, and they all scattered ahead of us as we drove back past… Some of them ran into the fields, and some of them turned to run towards the air base. We realized this was something pretty serious,” the farmer told reporters, narrowly avoiding an arrest herself for making culturally insensitive observations about night-time field usage.

“I still can’t process how that base, on high alert, how this has happened… I think it was pure luck that I arrived in the village at a similar time to the vans,” she added. “I’m absolutely staggered that it was left to me, as a member of the public, to see and report this.”

The UK government immediately moved to counter the dangerous narrative that a regular citizen had done the job of the security services. Defense Secretary Wes Streeting appeared on television to clarify that the farmer possessed an unhelpful, accurate view of the situation.

“I do want to thank the member of the public who acted quickly and called this in,” Streeting said. “I would also just say, respectfully, that she has a partial picture… And I won’t go beyond that, in terms of commenting on operational security matters.”

The government assured citizens that the situation was entirely under control, noting that Prime Minister Andy Burnham was convening an emergency meeting to address the critical shortage of diversity consultants assigned to counter-terrorism units.

“I want to thank the police, the Gloucestershire Police, the security services, the emergency services, the public who alerted us, so thank you to everybody for the way that they’ve worked,” the prime minister said.

At publishing time, police confirmed that if any member of the public attempts to guess the suspects' surnames on social media, they will be tracked down and jailed immediately for hate speech.

Can I get an 'inshallah'?

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BREAKING: Anti-Semitic Attack in Manchester, UK--Jihadi Gets His Goats-- UPDATES

UPDATE: in addition to the two Jewish worshippers who were killed, four others are in very serious condition. 

UPDATE: We have learned the name of the attacker is 35-year-old Jihad al Shami. Two men and a woman in her 60s were also arrested in connection with the synagogue attack. He was a Syrian British national.

Several hours ago as of this writing, (9:31 a.m. local time) an anti-Semite in Manchester, England went on a stabbing spree at a Synagogue. At least 4 Jewish people were injured, according to authorities, but it appears the injuries are quite serious. 

The Mayor of Manchester, Andy Burnham, initially announced the attack and response.

At 9:38 am the alleged terrorist was shot and apparently killed--a fast response. 

This is the loser who attacked and was neutralized

People (yes, we Jews are people) are being treated at the scene.

It is believed that the idiot attacker arrived at the scene in an automobile and had a bomb. Currently the bomb disposal has arrived at the scene but this is an ongoing, developing situation. It is also believed the attacker may have an explosive device on his fat person.

Of course, this situation happened today, the start of Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar. 

The same people who go around calling to "globalize the antifada" have put out a statement: 

You see, if you call for a holy war against the Jews, don't be surprised when attacks take place.

Part of the congregation who saw the carnage

PM Kier Starmer wrote: "I'm appalled by the attack at a synagogue in Crumpsall. The fact that this has taken place on Yom Kippur, the holiest day in the Jewish calendar, makes it all the more horrific. My thoughts are with the loved ones of all those affected, and my thanks go to the emergency services and all the first responders.

Starmer was in Copenhagen, Denmark at the time is is on his way back to the UK. 

As I write this, two people have been confirmed dead.

There is supposed to be a mass protest against Jewish people who have the audacity of being Jewish but it isn't known if those a-holes plan to carry out the protest.

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Manchester mayor Andy Burnham denies Islamic terrorist was a Muslim

This is what a useful idiot looks like

What is a Muslim?

It is a person who believes in the teachings of the Koran, the Islamic holy book, and that there is no god but Allah, and Mohammed is his messenger. That is what best describes a Muslim.

Salman Abedi, the Manchester terrorist who blew himself to bite-size bits in order to kill others, was described as a "devout" Muslim, a hafiz, in fact--which is someone who has completely memorized the Qur'an. 

But Manchester mayor Andy Burnham thinking he's an imam--says that Abedi was not a Muslim. 

What do you base that stupid assumption on, Andy? 

Is it because Abedi's jihad, in which he committed mass murder, was un-Islamic since Islam is a Religion of Peace? In other words, when a Muslim commits an act of violent jihad, he loses the label of Muslim because you are so afraid of being called Islamophobic that you will deny Islam is involved. Thus, Islam is always seen as good and peaceful, no matter what is committed in its name.

Useful idiots like Andy Burnham don't have to hold any responsibility or knowledge of the goals of Islam and how jihadists attempt to realize those goals.

Of course Abedi was a Muslim. Yes, he was an extremely orthodox Muslim, but a Muslim nevertheless. 

Speaking to Nick Ferrari on LBC, Burnham said, "The message that I would want to get over--and this is how the vast majority of people feel--this man was a terrorist, not a Muslim." 

The terms are not mutually exclusive, but Burnham wants us to believe they are.

He goes on: "He does not represent the Muslim community. We've got to keep that distinction in mind all the time. This was an unspeakable act."

Yes--dare not speak about it--that's the ticket.

"The worst thing that can happen is that people use this to blame an entire community, the Muslim community."

When has this ever happened? Nobody ever blames the entire Muslim community, but those of us familiar with Islam are quite clear that jihad has everything to do with Islam. 

"In my view," the useful idiot went on, "the man who committed this atrocity no more represents the Muslim community than the individual who murdered my friend Jo Cox represents the white, Christian community."

The Christian community doesn't kill people in the name of Jesus. The Muslim jihadist, not the community, kills in the name of Allah and in the name of Mohammed. 

Burn a Bible and a Qur'an and see the difference in communities.

Politicians always seem to have a way to use moral equivalency with Christians every time a Muslim commits a violent act.

The politicians are the real cowards--not the Muslim lunatics who commit these violent acts in the name of their religion.



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