Wife Heroically Stands By Senate Candidate After Campaign Courageously Pays Her $30,000 To Do So

MAINE — Democratic Senate candidate Graham Platner's wife, Amy Gertner, delivered a passionate defense of her husband this week after reportedly receiving nearly $30,000 from his campaign, proving that true love can still flourish when accompanied by regular direct deposits.

Federal Election Commission filings show that Gertner has collected $28,751.59 from the Graham for Maine campaign since September, along with a generous $37.50 "cell phone stipend" to help cover the emotional toll of explaining away sexting scandals.

The payments came to light shortly after reports surfaced that Platner had allegedly exchanged sexual messages with at least six women on the hookup-friendly messaging app Kik, where his profile reportedly featured a bathroom mirror selfie consisting primarily of a towel and optimism.

Sources say Gertner became aware of the messages and alerted campaign staff, demonstrating the type of transparency voters have come to expect from modern political marriages.

In a video released by the campaign, Gertner condemned media coverage of the controversy because, for some reason, it made her husband look bad.

"It makes me really angry, disappointed, and I find it really shameful that there’s a group of media outlets and people who are willing to spread gossip, instead of talking about real issues that Graham is running on, like healthcare and education and childcare," she said. After all, it isn't as if the Democrats do that to Republican candidates like Trump, and other appointees like SCOTUS justices.

Political analysts noted that the statement was remarkable because it was delivered without visible cue cards, blinking patterns, or ransom note subtitles.

Despite reports of her husband's online activities, Gertner insisted her admiration remains intact.

"I admire the f–k out of him. So when there are news articles about our marriage, it’s just extra sh–ty," she said. "Can I say that online? I hope I can." She knew she would and was going for the audaciousness.

Witnesses described the video as a moving tribute to the power of commitment, forgiveness, and campaign payroll. But people in the know know it was for the Benjamins. How ironic.

The scandal has also revived scrutiny of Platner's old Reddit posts, including one in which he advised women not to "wind up having sex with someone they don’t mean to" to avoid being raped. In other posts from 2020, he reportedly celebrated Marines being able to "get to bang LA chicks, whores in TJ, and hit up Vegas." At least he didn't mention Tijuana. 

Platner has apologized for the comments, asking voters not to judge him by "the worst thing I said on the internet, on my worst day 14 years ago," while politely requesting they also ignore several additional bad days that occurred afterward. 

No dude--we just judge you for what you said, suggested, claimed that you do, and your relationship with a website that caters to teens and young adults.

According to former campaign staffers, Gertner had disclosed the sexting issue as early as last August, and the couple reportedly worked through the matter in marriage counseling.

Anthony Weiner much?

"Being married is hard," the shameless Gertner acknowledged, while campaign accountants reportedly confirmed that being married on payroll is somewhat easier.

Despite the revelations, Platner continues to lead incumbent Senator Susan Collins in polling, reinforcing political scientists' long-held theory that voters only become concerned when a candidate is caught doing something unusual, such as balancing the federal budget.

At press time, campaign officials announced a new family-values initiative featuring mandatory trust exercises, monitored phone usage, and a campaign-funded premium subscription to Couples Therapy Plus

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