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WASHINGTON, D.C., President Donald Trump's longtime rival and part-time billionaire detector Sen. Bernie Sanders assured supporters this week that Maine Senate candidate Graham Platner remains uniquely qualified to battle wealthy elites, despite accumulating scandals at a pace usually reserved for Netflix documentaries.
According to comrade Sanders, the controversy surrounding Platner has nothing to do with his Nazi-linked tattoos, resurfaced Reddit posts, sexting allegations, or a profile on a controversial messaging platform. Rather, he suggested the real culprit is a vast billionaire conspiracy terrified of a man who apparently cannot go 24 hours without generating a new headline.
"What we're looking at right now is a situation where billionaires have already pledged to spend $90 million in a tiny state like Maine," Sanders said. "Trust me, that is a lot of money. They don't want him in."
Observers noted that while billionaires are often accused of influencing politics, they have rarely been accused of secretly forcing candidates to get questionable tattoos, post strange comments online, and sign up for Kik.
"And the reason that they do not want him in the Senate is he has had the guts to stand up to the big money interests, to fight for healthcare as a human right, to demand the billionaires start paying their fair share of taxes," the communist senator continued.
Sources close to the campaign confirmed that every time a new controversy emerges, staffers immediately assume another billionaire has somehow orchestrated it.
Platner's troubles began after footage surfaced showing a totenkopf, or death's head tattoo, on his chest. Since then, a steady stream of revelations has left reporters struggling to keep up and opposition researchers complaining about excessive overtime.
Despite the growing list of problems, Democrats remain focused on defeating incumbent Sen. Susan Collins.
[Senator Collins, you might have observed, has an obvious tremor in her extremities and in her voice. It's a common neurological condition that she publicly disclosed last month and it is treated with medication. The cause is from a benign tumor that does not affect cognition or memory, so she is clearly no Joe Biden.]
"I think what we, as a nation, need to do is to focus on the important issues facing working families, 60% of whom are living paycheck to paycheck," Sanders said. "And I think that Graham and his wife, Amy, will work on their marriage, and I wish them the best."
Political analysts described the statement as one of the few times in American history a senator has pivoted directly from economic inequality to marriage counseling.
Collins, meanwhile, appeared exhausted by the daily revelations.
"I don’t have anything to add," Collins said. "Every day there's a new revelation about Graham Platner that reflects on his character."
Democrats backing Platner insist voters should focus on his authenticity rather than his ever-expanding collection of controversies.
Sen. Ruben Gallego argued that Platner has lived a "very, you know, real experience. He's talked about it."
"He's talked to his wife about it. There was, you know, the voters of Maine are gonna decide what they're gonna do, but, you know, we know that at this point, this man can still win the race, and as long as he continues, I think we'll all be there," Gallego said.
Republicans, meanwhile, have reportedly stopped spending money on opposition research and now simply subscribe to news alerts.
"I mean, this guy's a nut job," Sen. Eric Schmitt said.
"So, that's their call. But, you know, I won't hold my breath for the Democrats to sort of course correct on this. They're just, it's just about absolute power for them. So they want to support a dude with Nazi tattoos who has all this other stuff going on. I mean, that's on them."
At press time, campaign aides were bracing for Wednesday's scheduled scandal release, though they admitted they had no idea what it would be this time.
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Political analysts described the statement as one of the few times in American history a senator has pivoted directly from economic inequality to marriage counseling.
Collins, meanwhile, appeared exhausted by the daily revelations.
"I don’t have anything to add," Collins said. "Every day there's a new revelation about Graham Platner that reflects on his character."
Democrats backing Platner insist voters should focus on his authenticity rather than his ever-expanding collection of controversies.
Sen. Ruben Gallego argued that Platner has lived a "very, you know, real experience. He's talked about it."
"He's talked to his wife about it. There was, you know, the voters of Maine are gonna decide what they're gonna do, but, you know, we know that at this point, this man can still win the race, and as long as he continues, I think we'll all be there," Gallego said.
Republicans, meanwhile, have reportedly stopped spending money on opposition research and now simply subscribe to news alerts.
"I mean, this guy's a nut job," Sen. Eric Schmitt said.
"So, that's their call. But, you know, I won't hold my breath for the Democrats to sort of course correct on this. They're just, it's just about absolute power for them. So they want to support a dude with Nazi tattoos who has all this other stuff going on. I mean, that's on them."
At press time, campaign aides were bracing for Wednesday's scheduled scandal release, though they admitted they had no idea what it would be this time.
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