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WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump shocked international bureaucrats, energy traders, and several confused college professors Saturday by announcing that there will be absolutely no tolls charged in the Strait of Hormuz during the current 60-day ceasefire with Iran.
"There will be NO TOLLS in the Hormuz Strait for 60 days during the Cease Fire Period," Trump wrote on Truth Social, immediately triggering panic among global elites who had already prepared seventeen think tank papers explaining why America should continue protecting international shipping lanes for free forever.
Trump later clarified that tolls would also remain off the table after the ceasefire ends unless negotiations collapse, at which point the United States may decide it would like to receive something in return for safeguarding one of the most dangerous waterways on Earth.
And the chance that the negotiations will not collapse is about the same as getting hit by a freight train in Antartica on a Sunday.
The president explained that any future tolls would simply reimburse America for decades of acting as the Middle East's unpaid security guard, babysitter, emergency response team, and occasional missile interceptor.
"Imagine expecting your neighbor to mow your lawn, fix your roof, guard your house, and fight off burglars for fifty years without ever sending a bill," said one administration official. "Actually, don't imagine it. That's basically been U.S. foreign policy."
The president explained that any future tolls would simply reimburse America for decades of acting as the Middle East's unpaid security guard, babysitter, emergency response team, and occasional missile interceptor.
"Imagine expecting your neighbor to mow your lawn, fix your roof, guard your house, and fight off burglars for fifty years without ever sending a bill," said one administration official. "Actually, don't imagine it. That's basically been U.S. foreign policy."
Trump emphasized that any future tolls would reimburse America for decades of serving as the Middle East's unpaid "Guardian Angel." Administration officials clarified that this does not mean original Guardian Angels founder Curtis Sliwa will be stationed in the Strait of Hormuz armed with a whistle, a flashlight, and an overwhelming sense of civic duty.
The Strait of Hormuz remains one of the world's most critical shipping chokepoints, handling a substantial portion of global oil exports. Experts noted that without American protection, many nations would be forced to confront the terrifying possibility of paying for their own security.
At press time, several European leaders were reportedly drafting a strongly worded statement demanding that American taxpayers continue funding global stability while being accused of imperialism for doing so.
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