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As Washington celebrated the latest draft of a Middle East peace deal, sources confirmed Thursday that President Donald Trump had nearly completed negotiations between the United States, Iran, Israel, several Gulf states, and apparently every other person on Earth except the people who would eventually have to follow the agreement.
Trump announced on Truth Social that an agreement with Iran had been “largely negotiated,” prompting immediate concern among foreign policy experts, Senate hawks, and several thousand Washington think tank employees whose job descriptions depend on perpetual regional instability.
“I am in the Oval Office at the White House where we just had a very good call,” Trump wrote, explaining that leaders across the Middle East had discussed “all things related to a Memorandum of Understanding pertaining to PEACE,” a phrase reportedly causing three defense contractors to faint simultaneously.
The president added, “An Agreement has been largely negotiated, subject to finalization between the United States of America, the Islamic Republic of Iran, and the various other Countries, as listed.”
Sources confirmed that nobody was entirely sure what “the various other Countries, as listed” meant, but negotiators nodded enthusiastically anyway.
The proposed agreement would reportedly reopen the Strait of Hormuz, a vital oil shipping route that Iran has largely disrupted throughout the conflict. Analysts estimate this could allow millions of barrels of oil to move freely again, while depriving cable news panels of at least six months of apocalyptic predictions.
Meanwhile, Israeli officials reportedly gathered for emergency meetings after learning that Trump had once again attempted to solve a decades-old geopolitical crisis by making phone calls and declaring victory before dessert.
Still, President Trump insisted everything was proceeding smoothly, and let's face it, most of the time he's correct.
“Separately, I had a call with Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu, of Israel, which, likewise, went very well,” he wrote. “Final aspects and details of the Deal are currently being discussed, and will be announced shortly. In addition to many other elements of the Agreement, the Strait of Hormuz will be opened.”
According to White House insiders, Trump spent several minutes reminding attendees that he literally wrote The Art of the Deal, while Middle Eastern diplomats quietly wondered whether that qualified as binding international law.
Not everyone was celebrating.
Republican senators immediately emerged from their underground network of strategic briefing rooms to warn that peace itself could pose a grave threat to regional stability.
Sen. Lindsey Graham of South Carolina expressed alarm that any arrangement allowing Iran’s government to continue existing might create a “nightmare for Israel.”
“If a deal is struck to end the Iranian conflict because it is believed that the Strait of Hormuz cannot be protected from Iranian terrorism and Iran still possesses the capability to destroy major Gulf oil infrastructure, then Iran will be perceived as being a dominate [sic] force requiring a diplomatic solution,” Graham posted on X.
The war hawk added, “This combination of Iran being perceived as having the ability to terrorize the Strait in perpetuity and the ability [to] inflict massive damage to Gulf oil infrastructure is a major shift of the balance of power in the region and over time will be a nightmare for Israel.”
Experts translated Graham’s statement as: “Have we considered bombing something first and negotiating later?”
Sen. Roger Wicker of Mississippi was equally skeptical.
“The rumored 60-day ceasefire, with the belief that Iran will ever engage in good faith, would be a disaster. Everything accomplished by Operation Epic Fury would be for naught!” he posted.
Pentagon officials reportedly spent the afternoon explaining to Americans that “Operation Epic Fury” was, in fact, the actual name of a military campaign and not a rejected Xbox game title.
At press time, Washington hawks were warning that a negotiated settlement could dangerously undermine decades of bipartisan consensus that every Middle Eastern conflict is exactly three airstrikes away from permanent peace.
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