Saturday, January 2, 2016

Crimes against Allah and the Fidels

A horrible crime was committed. A crime so heinous, so evil, so shocking that the FBI is offering a $5,000.00 reward for any information leading to the apprehension and conviction of the person who surreptitiously placed raw, dead swine in the Masjid Tawheed, a Las Vegas mosque.

So now, whatever happens in Vegas, gets punished in Vegas, if it goes against Islam.

FBI spokes-dhimmie, Barack Obama, said "We will catch the perpetrator who did this, Inshallah, and bring the infidel to justice."

Okay, so maybe Barack Hussein isn't the FBI spokes-dhimmie, per se, and maybe he didn't actually say that, but it isn't a far reach to imagine him saying something along those lines.

A surveillance camera captured the image of a bespectacled man entering the mosque and wrapping raw bacon around door handles. Bacon, as you might know, is haram, the Islamic version of non-Kosher, and is considered to be worse to Muslims than committing an honor killing of their daughter for going out with an infidel.

The FBI originally suspected, and brought in for questioning, Oscar Mayer, but the bacon magnate had a solid alibi and was released.

Seven worshipers from the mosque were slightly injured trying to escape after seeing the haram meat seductively hanging on doorknobs in their holy place of worship, and one man actually touched the meat with his unprotected, naked hand. Under Sharia law, it is possible the hand will have to be amputated--oh, wait--sorry, that's done for stealing. He gets to keep his hand but must wash it seven times for seven days at a Seven Eleven.

On a lighter note, a Muslim man of North African descent screamed "Allahu akbar" ("my god is greater") as he religiously tried to run down four military infidels with his car outside his mosque in Valencia. The imam of the mosque, Abdullah Dliouah (his friends call him "Abby Vowels") told the press that the man was known by him, but he never expressed his love for jihad prior to the attack so it came as a pleasant surprise.

Meanwhile, in Jerusalem, a teenage girl  under the influence of Palestinian TV's version of the religion of peace, was toting a knife and a Koran in her backpack. She was later arrested for attempting to kill a few Jews wherever she could find them. This was her second attempt--the first was two weeks prior to her arrest. 

No bacon was involved in the attack and fortunately, nobody was killed.

In order to assist the FBI and other law-enforcement Sharia-compliant agencies, I've created a short-list of un-Islamic activities that they should keep on the lookout for so as to prevent insulting those members of the religion of peace:

(1)  Bacon and all forms of swine, excluding ISIS, Hamas, Taliban, al-Shabab, and Al Gore.
(2)  Women not wearing cloth sacks or at minimum covering their face in public.
(3)  Dogs--Mohammad hated dogs so Muslims are supposed to hate them too (also see Jews, Christians, infidels, apostates, gays, lesbians, Hindus, Jains, and so on).
(4)  Women leaving their home without a male family member.
(5)  Making friends with un-believers--they can pretend to be friends, but only to help the cause.
(6)  Drinking alcoholic beverages--this is to be saved until getting to Paradise where rivers of wine flow like the BS from a liberal's lips.
(7)  Music that isn't about Allah or Mohammad. 
(8)  Women marrying a non-Muslim. Men are allowed to marry a non-Muslim but she must convert after the marriage.
(9)  Insulting Islam. In spite of the fact that an ideology cannot be insulted because it has no feelings, it's best for your health not to say anything even slightly negative about the religion of peace if you value yours.
(10) Having 5 wives. Only 4 wives are permitted, unless you happen to be Mohammad (peas be up in him) who had as many as 12 because he was a special case.
(11) Shaking hands with the opposite sex or being a woman alone in a room with a man.
(12) Failing to spit at a Jewish person in passing on the street.

Any one of the above un-Islamic (haram) happenstances should result in nothing less than a $5,000.00 fine and 6 months in a federal prison.

Allahu akbar, Obama.


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