Hillary and Chelsea get parting gifts on Broadway that they didn't expect to get: yuck

It was the girls night out on Broadway where Hillary and Chelsea Clinton attended a performance of "Some Like it Hot." Unfortunately for them, someone left something hot and it kind of ruined their evening.

The Shubert Theater, in New York City was where the gift was left for the mother and daughter team, as the play reached an intermission. Someone had defecated, as in took a dump, just a few odiferous aisles away from where they sat.

The turds were found during that intermission and weren't difficult to find.

“Last week when Hillary and Chelsea Clinton were in the audience, the lights came up for intermission and there were two human turds in the aisle just near the famous political duo.”

It’s unknown whether the dual dump was an intentional act or some sort of medical accident, but chances are that the perpetrator left one for each Clinton on purpose. 

An anonymous source described the incident as involving an elderly person who may have had bowel control issues, [but my money is still on a deliberate dumper].

It is also unknown whether or not Monica Lewinsky attended the play, which could clear up the matter.

“It was an elderly person and it’s rather sad, but yes, the house staff worked quickly to help resolve the situation and Act II started as scheduled.”

A manager for the playhouse told the witness that this wasn’t the first time the droppings had been found in the midst of a performance.

A seemingly troubled patron of the playhouse has defecated in the theater four different times, according to a witness’s conversation with the manager.

“There is someone who is either s****ing in the aisle, or surreptitiously dumping defecation that they smuggled into the theater.”

The waste was dealt with as best as theater staff could, with Hillary and her daughter remaining for the second act of the show, according to the report.

There’s no reason to suspect that the gifts were left as a targeted affront to the Clintons as Ms. Lewinsky was nowhere to be found. 

It seems as if parody has taken a backstage to reality.

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Putin does a "double-Biden" on stairs and in trousers

This is not satire nor is it parody. Russian President Vladimir Putin doubled down on our very own POTUS Joe Biden. But instead of falling up the stairs, he fell down. And to make matters worse, he did a Biden in his pants, soiling himself and nobody laughed about it.

Clearly Putin's health is on a downward turn.

Putin, 70, went butt over tea kettle at his Moscow residence on Wednesday evening, according to the Telegram channel “General SVR,” which purports to be run by a former Russian spy. The leader of the unfree world allegedly fell down five steps and landed on his coccyx [tailbone].

The fall caused him to crap his drawers as the guards ran to his aid. The defecation, the channel claims, is due to "cancer affecting his stomach and bowels."

This latest incident is yet another health scare for Putin, who is rumored to have worsening cancer and Parkinson's disease as his war in Ukraine rages on.

“Three bodyguards helped the president get to the nearest couch and summoned medics, who are on duty at the residence,” General SVR said.

“Nothing critical [was diagnosed], the president’s condition closer to nighttime was stable, he can get around on his own, with pain in the coccyx area while sitting being the only thing that bothers him.”

Possible IV marks noted on Putin's hand

The post noted that a special investigation was being carried out to determine the cause of the president’s fall. Thus far, banana peels have been ruled out.

The famously-paranoid Russian leader reportedly wears slip-proof shoes, and stairs in the official residence had been deemed safe.

“As it turns out, all precautions could be in vain when the nerves are shot,” the message concluded.

Putin appeared to shake off the injury, and less than one day later was pictured touring a lab in Moscow.

In late October, Kyiv Post journalist Jason Jay Smart tweeted screenshots of Putin greeting soldiers at a boot camp in the Ryazan region, prompting speculation that the president had IV tracks on his hands.

A few weeks earlier, General SVR called out Putin’s shaky stance during a meeting with Belarusian leader Alexander Lukashenko.

“Putin’s oncology is progressing and, despite adequate treatment lately, the pain is not always completely relieved,” the channel claimed.

“It must be understood that the deplorable state of the president’s physical and mental health affects the adoption of key decisions. Putin doesn’t want to change history, he wants to end it.”

But all that being said, there have been no recent shirtless photos taken of Russia's dictator riding horses or fishing for trout.

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