An Obama Speech You Will Never Hear

"Good afternoon, my fellow leftists. I have a few important confessions to make and while I know this is out of character for me, I'm going to go ahead and make them.

"I should have anticipated ISIL when my National Director of Intelligence and his staff warned me about the growing threat. But I didn't attend most of the meetings--I just took the briefings home to read on the toilet, which I like to call 'my library,' and I didn't have a clue about what was  going on in the Middle East.

"It was a mistake to blame James Clapper for what was really my short sightedness. I'm sorry, James. Hang in there, dude. It won't happen again, I promise, and you know how I am with promises, so good luck.

"Yes ISIL has grown like an angry tumor on Syria's butt, and yes, they are Islamic. I lied when I said they weren't because that's the way I roll. Ever since I was questioned about the Choom Gang, my lying became ingrained in me to the point where I forgot how to tell the truth.

"I didn't want to get us involved in another war because frankly, war scares me. I believe I've destroyed enough human life with my permissive abortion policies, and I want to put a stop to the killing right now.

"George Bush wasn't as bad as I made him out to be--that was just a political ploy to win elections and avoid blame for my personal screw-ups. Being President of the United States of America is darn hard and if I could just go home today and forget about what's in front of us, what with all the messes in the world, I would run faster than Hussein Bolt, who stole his name from me [big toothy smile].

"So I ask for your forgiveness and at noon tomorrow, I will resign from office as President of the United States. 

[Do a Nixon "V" sign with both hands.]

[Back away slowly]

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Obama's "Boys" in Syria and Iraq

So president Obama's testicles have finally descended a little. He has launched U.S. airstrikes in Syria in what is being called a "sustained campaign" against ISIS and has a small coalition of Arab states who are willing to fly air missions but not put "boots on the ground" with military personnel inside those boots.

What seems odd about this airstrike is that it looks like the U.S. has gone out of its way not to kill any members of ISIS. Instead, we have targeted buildings late at night when ISIS is fast asleep dreaming jihad dreams of blood and heads on posts. We could have attacked these bastards during daylight--they have no air defense.

But now Obama has serious challenges to think about. 

War on Words: Say What?

Doesn't president Obama seem like the kind of guy who, as a boy, always told other people's secrets? He probably didn't though, because he probably didn't have any friends as a boy and acquired them later when he joined the Choom Gang.

Well he has made it clear to our enemy, ISIS, that we will definitely not have "boots on the ground" in our battle with them. But the real problem isn't merely giving away what we will not do, it's the failure to define what this fighting will be all about.

Are we at war with ISIS?

The president and Pentagon say we are at war with the Islamic State. But this contradicts what John "Plugs" Kerry has said as well as others who just a day before the speech said something different. This led lawmakers to criticize the administration saying that they are downplaying it.

Josh "Almost Sounding" Earnest said: "In the same way the United States is at war with al Qaeda and its affiliates . . . the United States is at war with ISIL."

Teaching the children about jihad

Kerry called it a "very significant" and "major counter-terrorism operation," much the same way Harry Truman called the Korean War a "Police Action." It seems that rhetoric for liberals is more important than actions.

Even Susan "It-Was-The-Video" Rice said that she wasn't sure if it should be called a war or a "sustained counter-terrorism campaign." Why not just call it a religious disagreement or workplace violence?

Meanwhile, Obama has foregone golf today and is working hard to get a coalition of nations to ultimately "destroy" the growing terror network, carefully avoiding words like 'jihadists,' 'Muslims,' 'Islam,' and 'not a religion of peace.' Where G.W. Bush was able to get 37 nations on board to fight in Iraq, Obama has thus far gotten 9, but this may change as England and Germany are not in it to win it.

But we're not in it to win it either. Not with airstrikes alone. And if we are going to pin our future security on the Syrian rebel army (those dentists, lawyers, farmers, and pharmacists Obama laughed at) we are going to lose this war.

Not many nations want to stand with us. Obama has assured them that he is ready to pick up and run if the polls go south. Who can blame them? If his folks are vague about what to call it, just what do they think they're getting themselves into?

You would think that an administration that pretends to be wonderful communicators would at the very least be able to communicate without the wishy-washy vagueness that we hear.

But then again, when you have a wishy-washy POTUS, you're going to get wishy-washy in everything that happens under his administration.

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Obamaspeak

Estonia, Wednesday: President Obama speaking in a voice reminiscent of his days with the Choom Gang, told the world that he aims to "degrade and destroy" ISIL (aka ISIS, IS, The Gang That Couldn't Cut Straight"). He implied the way to do that is by making them "more manageable." 

Most people on Capitol Hill scratched their collective head but Joe Biden went full-bore against ISIS when he spoke in New Hampshire, when he said: "When people harm Americans, we don't retreat. We don't forget. We take care of those who are grieving and when that's finished, they should know, we will follow them to the gates of hell until they are brought to justice. Because hell is where they will reside. Hell is where they will reside." 

Just don't let them go to Syria because I'm not so sure if we'll follow them there. 

Lawmakers on Capitol Hill urged the White House and Pentagon to get tough with ISIS, also known as the Islamic State (which is giving the morons too much credit) or ISIL, as president Obama likes to refer to those folks. The calls got louder after the video of Steven Sotloff, the second American journalist to have his head cut off, was aired online.

Initially, Obama actually appeared to own a set of testicles, saying that he condemned the beheading as "barbaric" and "horrific," and he vowed "justice will be served." I understand justice goes well with a nice red wine and cold Benghazi.

But then Hello Kitty Obama came out and his tone became that wishy-washy, "I don't have a strategy," tone when he said that if the US is joined by an international coalition, they can "continue to shrink ISIL's sphere of influence, its effectiveness, its financing, its military capabilities to the point where it is a manageable problem."

In other words, live and let chop.

Any allies that thought we were seriously going to deal with ISIS effectively now realizes that the United States has a mollycoddle president who cares not a fiddler's fart about foreign policy because he's too busy screwing up the country he dictates over.

Senator John McCain (R-AZ) spoke on Fox News on Tuesday saying that ISIS has "got to be destroyed," and said Obama doesn't have a strategy to do that yet. (You might remember McCain was also instrumental in military budget cuts, but that's for another discussion.)

Meanwhile, Secretary of State John-Swiftboat-Kerry put away his boogie board and will be going to the Middle East to ineptly attempt to build a coalition to attack ISIS while boosting the Kurdish and Iraqi governments so that they can eventually get stronger and attack us in the future.

Obama still has not provided a strategy about ISIS in Syria. "It'll take time to roll them back," he said, in a voice devoid of a "Negro dialect," as Harry Reid liked to say. This statement confused Joe Biden who thought president Obama was referring to a "roll-back sale" at Walmart.


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