Local Podcast Heroes Convince World Unity is Achievable Through Archaeological Tomb Raiding

Welch

LOS ANGELES—In a stunning display of progressive healing, popular podcasters Jennifer ['The Face'] Welch and Angie Sullivan recently demonstrated that political discourse can transcend mere policy debates and venture directly into ancient Egyptian burial practices.

During a recent broadcast of the "I've Had It" hate-cast, the not so dynamic duo paused from discussing the intricacies of modern governance to celebrate Democratic midterm victories by reviewing social media posts that doubled as a public service announcement for grave robbers.

"Somebody posted, ‘I don’t care if you celibate or abstinent. Grab the nearest person available and do your worst. Abortion’s on me,’" Welch read, not pointing out the grammatical error of the cretin who posted it.

True to their commitment to inclusive comedy, the hosts found exceptional humor in the prospect of exhuming conservative activist Charlie Kirk.

"We're digging up Charlie Kirk and doing it again," Welch read, triggering a fresh wave of hilarity over the logistics of post-mortem political dissent.

Naturally, the laughter was balanced by high-minded political analysis. When addressing the tragic death of Kirk, who was killed during an event in Utah, the hosts provided groundbreaking forensic certainty by blaming his political opponents on themselves.

It doesn't get more disgusting and hateful than this.

Frick n' Frack

"Other than he was shot by somebody that was super MAGA," the execrable Sullivan said.

"He was shot by a MAGA person," Welch added, proving that investigative journalism is best conducted without the burden of voter registration records or facts. It turns out the shooter, Tyler Robinson, 22, was definitely not a MAGA supporter. He was registered as unaffiliated/nonpartisan and listed as an inactive voter. He had not voted in recent general elections.

Following immediate backlash from critics who apparently lack a sophisticated appreciation for corpse desecration, the hosts walked it back and issued a formal apology on Instagram, proving that nothing heals a fractured nation quite like donating advertising revenue to gun control lobbyists.

"On Thursday’s show, we laughed at a joke about Charlie Kirk. It was an insensitive joke, and we should not have laughed. We regret it, and we apologize," the statement read. "Whatever our political differences, there is nothing funny about gun violence. We’ve long supported common-sense gun safety reform."

"To that end, we’ve made a donation to Everytown for Gun Safety, the largest gun violence prevention organization in America," the statement continued. "We’ll keep using our platforms to fight for the safety of all Americans." But in reality, they're merely fighting for their jobs.

While Madison Avenue advertisers ponder whether gutter-dwelling audio broadcasts are a wise investment, the political left expressed profound gratitude for such helpful allies.

"As a Democrat, it is frustrating to watch Jennifer Welch and Angie Sullivan get treated like voices for the Democratic Party when so much of their own brand is railing against Democrats," said Democratic strategist Kaivan Shroff.

One can only wonder what the future of these two assclowns will be.

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