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LOS ANGELES—In a geopolitical breakthrough that has finally brought peace to the Middle East closer than ever, pop singer Shawn Mendes has bravely solved the Israeli-Palestinian conflict from the comfort of his multi-million dollar Instagram account.
The "Treat You Better" singer courageously risked his Spotify royalties on Thursday by sharing a "Free Palestine" post to his 68.4 million followers, officially securing his status as a certified expert in centuries-old territorial disputes.
"There is a genocide happening before our eyes," he wrote in a butt-backwards claim. "The senseless killing in Gaza must stop. The children and families in Palestine have suffered for far too long, and they need our help."
Senseless? After the Hamassholes and their terrorist jihadis attacked innocent Israelis on October 7, 2023 this mental cripple calls the Israeli response 'senseless' is obviously an antisemitic, newly minted trope that not only fails to take the massacre of over 1,200 Israelis slaughtered on that day, but also fails to take into account how exponentially the Gazan population has grown enormously over the years. If Israel wanted to commit genocide on the Gazans, there would be no Gazans. And Israel has Arabs [non-Jews, mostly Muslims] in the Knesset with the same political clout as Jewish members.
As an added bonus, the Jewish state is a safe place for LGBTQ+yadda, yadda folks to coexist--not so much the case in any Islamic-majority countries, and certainly not Gaza. They hang or throw gays from buildings for sport.
Historians immediately discarded volumes of geopolitical research, realizing that all they needed was a 28-year-old Canadian guitar player who watched three TikTok videos and attended a concert benefit in Los Angeles. Mendes revealed he had been meticulously educating himself, which apparently meant bypassing actual Middle Eastern history and heading straight to the vanity metrics. We refer to people like Mendes as 'schmucks.'
"My friends and fellow artists, I know it can feel scary to speak up; I feel it now as I type this," he continued, clearly knowing he was in no danger. "I also feel the need to do something to help. The more of us that use our voice, the closer we are to change. If you agree please search your heart, find your courage and do what you can to help. These children in Palestine have had to be brave for too long. It’s our turn to do the same now."
Historians immediately discarded volumes of geopolitical research, realizing that all they needed was a 28-year-old Canadian guitar player who watched three TikTok videos and attended a concert benefit in Los Angeles. Mendes revealed he had been meticulously educating himself, which apparently meant bypassing actual Middle Eastern history and heading straight to the vanity metrics. We refer to people like Mendes as 'schmucks.'
"My friends and fellow artists, I know it can feel scary to speak up; I feel it now as I type this," he continued, clearly knowing he was in no danger. "I also feel the need to do something to help. The more of us that use our voice, the closer we are to change. If you agree please search your heart, find your courage and do what you can to help. These children in Palestine have had to be brave for too long. It’s our turn to do the same now."
Really now, this guy is a dolt at the highest level of dolt-ness.
Critics at the United Nations were reportedly scrambling to replace their diplomatic corps with washed-up pop performers who understand that international borders can be fixed by simply urging people to vote and vibe.
The halfwit then added, "Lets normalize speaking up and standing up for those suffering from oppression," while asking fans to donate, educate, encourage, challenge, "hold those in power accountable, and vote."
Naturally, social media users were ungrateful for his sudden elevation to Secretary of State.
"You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about," one commenter wrote on his Instagram. "Not to mention there’s been a ceasefire FOR MONTHS. If a genocide is when you’re population continually increases then sure it is one."
Critics at the United Nations were reportedly scrambling to replace their diplomatic corps with washed-up pop performers who understand that international borders can be fixed by simply urging people to vote and vibe.
The halfwit then added, "Lets normalize speaking up and standing up for those suffering from oppression," while asking fans to donate, educate, encourage, challenge, "hold those in power accountable, and vote."
Naturally, social media users were ungrateful for his sudden elevation to Secretary of State.
"You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about," one commenter wrote on his Instagram. "Not to mention there’s been a ceasefire FOR MONTHS. If a genocide is when you’re population continually increases then sure it is one."
Did I mention that Mendes is not the sharpest knife on his "Winter Holiday" tree?
Another person said they were "heartbroken" over his post, adding that they have "been adoring you since I was nine years old, never expected you to be the one to listen to people’s lies."
A third commenter told him to "Educate yourself more," and a fourth advised him to "Do some Research before you speak."
Another person said they were "heartbroken" over his post, adding that they have "been adoring you since I was nine years old, never expected you to be the one to listen to people’s lies."
A third commenter told him to "Educate yourself more," and a fourth advised him to "Do some Research before you speak."
He may have wanted to but his brain was full.
"How sad it is that you are posting about a subject that is so far away from you and your knowledge," another added.
On X, a cynical observer noted that artists "literally only do this to revive their career it’s actually so pathetic and narcissistic" while another snarked, "Thank God for Rich privileged celebrities talking about political issues."
Despite the friction, a legion of devoted fans rushed to defend the cretin's profound sacrifice of tapping a screen between latte sips.
"Damn Shawn didn’t know you had game like that brb downloading all your songs," one mouth-breathing fan wrote.
"I won't lie shawn, [sic] these comments are showing their true selves and im [sic] glad you've shown yours," another person said, referring to the negative comments. "We knew you were there to treat us better," the sic fan said.
Another added, "Thank you for being human Shawn. I’m so so proud of you. Let’s keep the momentum going and never stop fighting for Palestine."
At press time, world peace was delayed by approximately three business days while Mendes figures out how to fix inflation next.
"How sad it is that you are posting about a subject that is so far away from you and your knowledge," another added.
On X, a cynical observer noted that artists "literally only do this to revive their career it’s actually so pathetic and narcissistic" while another snarked, "Thank God for Rich privileged celebrities talking about political issues."
Despite the friction, a legion of devoted fans rushed to defend the cretin's profound sacrifice of tapping a screen between latte sips.
"Damn Shawn didn’t know you had game like that brb downloading all your songs," one mouth-breathing fan wrote.
"I won't lie shawn, [sic] these comments are showing their true selves and im [sic] glad you've shown yours," another person said, referring to the negative comments. "We knew you were there to treat us better," the sic fan said.
Another added, "Thank you for being human Shawn. I’m so so proud of you. Let’s keep the momentum going and never stop fighting for Palestine."
At press time, world peace was delayed by approximately three business days while Mendes figures out how to fix inflation next.
Did I mention he's a schmuck?
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