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MOBILE, Ala. — President Donald Trump assured a stadium full of voters Friday that the conflict with Iran will wrap up right on schedule, likely immediately after voters perform their civic duty at the polls.
Speaking to a crowd in Mobile, Alabama, Trump explained that the Iranian regime is currently struggling with mild economic hiccups, specifically an inflation rate that makes buying a loaf of bread require a wheelbarrow and a second mortgage.
"Their economy is down the tubes. They have one thing they really do have. It's called inflation. They have about 310% inflation. And we'll see what happens," Trump said, describing a level of financial ruin that even American gas station owners can only dream of achieving.
According to military strategists, the entire war plan hinges entirely on the upcoming midterm calendar. Once citizens cast their ballots, gas prices will allegedly dive straight off a cliff, returning to levels not seen since voters were actually happy with the economy.
"But as soon as we it's going to end very soon, probably right after the election. But as soon as it does end, oil prices will come tumbling down," Trump added, comforting Americans who have begun considering commuting to work via horse and buggy.
The former president remained laser-focused on the precise timing of world peace, reiterating that geopolitical stability is simply waiting on a few precinct voting tally reports.
"That war is going to be over soon. One way or the other, one way or the other. It's going to end very soon and probably right after the midterms," Trump promised, using his magic formula of repeating the same significant phrases at least three times to make his point.
At press time, oil executives across the country were reportedly praying for election delays so they could extract a few more weeks of record profits out of helpless commuters.
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