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Former Vice President Kamala Harris appears to be keeping the door open to another standard-issue presidential run. If her recent appearance on "Off Air with Big Boy" offers any preview of the profound intellectual depth she would bring to a future campaign, Democrats should probably start ordering their consolation cakes now. The alternative, of course, is much worse: an actual Harris administration in charge of the nuclear codes and the internet.
When the conversation turned to artificial intelligence, a groundbreaking field where complex computer science meets the staggering ignorance of career politicians, Harris proved she is truly a titan of the latter category. Her absolute, breathtaking confusion over what an algorithm actually is offered a terrifying glimpse into the policy decisions we can expect from a woman whose tech strategy appears to be written on a napkin in crayon.
"There is a part of this that is about understanding that, you know, if you keep seeing the same thing over and over again, know that you are being targeted because you looked at it the first time, they're just going to keep sending it to you. Which means they're trying to dumb people down with the assumption that people don't have any interest beyond what they've already seen," the former vice president announced, delivering what she clearly believed was a Nobel Prize winning critique of Silicon Valley. "Think about that."
"Oh yeah, the algorithm," Big Boy, aka Kurt James, replied, doing his best to translate her word salad into basic English.
"Right, but the algorithm suggesting, I have no more interest because I'm looking at this yellow flower. I'm only interested in yellow flowers. So here's more yellow flowers. As though my brain can't handle the fact that there may be a pink flower that I might be interested in looking at," Harris continued, heroically fighting off the tyrannical bots that keep shoving yellow flora in her face. "And so part of it is understanding how the algorithm is manipulating us and figuring out how we're going to psych it out a bit."
If this is the kind of razor-sharp logic driving future tech regulation, every software engineer in America should immediately start packing. Harris managed to take a basic lines-of-code recommendation function and turn it into a dark, dystopian conspiracy where tech CEOs sit in shadowy boardrooms plotting to deprive the public of pink flowers. It mistakes a simple, profit-driven engagement model for a grand scheme to lower the national IQ, giving Washington bureaucrats the perfect excuse to step in and regulate the internet into oblivion.
Unfortunately for Kamala's grand theory, that is not how code works. Mark Zuckerberg is not sitting at a desk deciding that your brain lacks the physical capacity to enjoy a pink carnation just because you clicked on a dandelion. Platforms simply track what you look at and feed you more of it so they can show you ads for mattresses. Is it annoying? Sure. Is it a villainous mind-control plot designed to strip humanity of its free will? Only in the mind of a politician looking for something new to tax.
Her explanation also completely erases the concept of basic human responsibility. According to Harris, everyday Americans are just helpless, feeble victims helplessly trapped in the grips of the evil feed. Apparently, nobody told her that users can simply close the app, search for a new topic, or put down their smartphones and walk outside to look at real flowers of any color they choose. The computer code is strong, but it has not completely abolished human agency just yet.
Naturally, the former vice president then revealed her master strategy for outsmarting the villainous, flower-hiding machine intelligence: resorting to her absolute favorite, deeply authentic identity-politics tropes.
“I do try sometimes. I mean, you know, I love to cook,” Harris explained, boldly outsmarting the matrix by reminding everyone of her unmatched skills with roasted chicken, pasta sauce, and collard greens.
Silicon Valley big tech may have conquered global communications, but they clearly stand no chance against Kamala's legendary kitchen wisdom.
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