Patriots Heroically Liberate American City Square From Somali Flag After Woke Officials Cancel July 4 Fireworks To Make Room For Foreign Pride

BUFFALO, NY — In a shocking act of domestic terrorism that Mayor Sean Ryan is already calling "the greatest threat to democracy since mean tweets," unknown patriots cut down the Somali flag flying in Niagara Square late Wednesday night. The daring flag retrieval occurred just one day after city officials axed Buffalo’s Fourth of July fireworks because, apparently, celebrating America’s 250th birthday is problematic but honoring Somalia’s independence is essential civic duty.

The Somali flag had been proudly flapping in the square for the past four years on July 1, because nothing says "Welcome to America" like turning public spaces into mini embassies for countries whose citizens fled them.

“Buffalo is a proud, diverse city,” Mayor Ryan lectured reporters, “and our administration remains committed to honoring and celebrating the many cultures that make our community stronger—especially the ones that aren’t, you know, this one.”

Local residents pointed out the minor optics issue of hoisting a foreign flag right before Independence Day while simultaneously canceling the actual Independence Day celebration. Erie County GOP Chairman Michael Kracker summed it up perfectly: “City Hall canceled downtown fireworks, leaving Buffalo as one of the only cities in Western New York without a public Fourth of July event, and instead raised the flag of Somalia outside City Hall. But sure, no one is questioning immigrant contributions. This week just belongs to all of us Americans... except when it doesn’t.”

Mayor Ryan had briefly teased reviving the patriotic fireworks display for America’s big 250th, but after “exploring potential locations,” somehow no safe, accessible spot could be found in an entire American city. Tragic. Meanwhile, locating and installing a Somali flag pole? Piece of cake.Buffalo isn’t alone in this bold new trend of American mayors treating July 1 like it’s more important than July 4. Columbus, Ohio—home to the second-largest Somali population in the U.S.—also planned to hoist the flag before quietly memory-holing the announcement the second anyone noticed.

At press time, Buffalo police were conducting a full investigation into the flag theft, while sources confirm the Somali flag has been safely returned to its natural habitat: a storage closet where it can’t offend anyone who actually likes this country.

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