Gender dysphoric male, AB Hernandez dominates females in 3 jumping events at Calif. postseason track meet

Male in disguise

YORBA LINDA, Calif. — In a stunning display of biological supremacy that shocked absolutely no one with a functioning grasp of reality, a California high school track meet opened Saturday with a "Save Girls’ Sports" rally and concluded exactly as physics demanded: a dude absolutely vaporizing the female competition in the jumping events.

The CIF Southern Section Division 3 preliminaries in Yorba Linda kicked off with protesters outside the gates bravely pointing out that boys aren’t girls, a controversial take in the Golden State. Inside the stadium, however, AB Hernandez, a male senior from Jurupa Valley who previously dabbled in girls’ volleyball, once again reminded everyone why men’s sports and women’s sports used to be separate categories.

Hernandez, competing in the girls’ division per California’s “be whatever you feel like today” policy, dominated the long jump, triple jump, and tied for first in the high jump. His long jump of 20 feet, 4¼ inches left the next closest actual girl more than a foot behind, because apparently “inclusion” now means “leave the girls in the dust, literally.”

In the triple jump, Hernandez launched a 42-foot-4-inch leap that made the silver and bronze finishers look like they were hopping over puddles. Sources confirmed the gap was large enough to drive a semi-truck labeled “Title IX Violations” through.

One grandparent attending to cheer on Moorpark High summed up the mood of the evening: “It happened last year and I thought it’d be done, but it’s California.” He then reportedly shrugged so hard his shoulders filed for workers’ comp.

Another parent from Yucca Valley offered the enlightened progressive solution: “I think they should have their own division. I just don’t like bullying one kid.” When asked to clarify which kid was being bullied, he gestured vaguely toward the entire girls’ team currently staring at Hernandez’s spike marks in the sand pit.

Adding a delicious layer of satire to the proceedings, Hernandez tied for first in the high jump with Reese Hogan, the same athlete who previously made headlines by dramatically claiming the top podium spot after Hernandez won an earlier event. This time? A wholesome tie. Everyone clapped. Several biological females in the stands were heard quietly calculating how many scholarships just evaporated.

Outside, former NCAA athlete Sophia Lorey led the “Save Girls’ Sports” rally, because apparently it now takes protests just to maintain the radical notion that women should be allowed to win women’s sports.

As of press time, California officials were reportedly still defending the policy while Governor Gavin Newsom’s office bravely announced that he was “not personally named in the DOJ lawsuit,” which is exactly what you want from your state leadership when teenage girls are getting their dreams long-jumped into oblivion.

The results board, meanwhile, continues to commit hate crimes by displaying objective measurements.

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