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AUSTIN, TX—In a desperate bid to halt the unstoppable Trump juggernaut and claw back at least one chamber of Congress, Democrats have set their sights on mission impossible: flipping Texas. With redistricting proving to be yet another catastrophic L for the party of joy and vibes, party strategists have reportedly concluded that the only thing standing between them and total irrelevance is . . . dusting off Bernie Sanders.
Yes, that Bernie Sanders; the guy who honeymooned in Russia and in late 2016 to 2017, after his book royalties made him a millionaire, stopped using his familiar phrase "millionaires and billionaires and dropped the "millionaires" from his Brooklyn accent vocabulary when addressing wealth inequality.
Hypocrisy much?
State Democrats took to social media this week to teasingly post a mysterious silhouetted figure who will address the Texas Democratic Convention in June. Political analysts, after squinting at the image for three seconds, confirmed what everyone already knew: it’s the same wild-haired, finger-wagging socialist who’s been cosplaying as a revolutionary since the Coolidge administration.
The move comes as Democrats rally behind Senate candidate James Talarico, a man so far left he makes Karl Marx look like a Heritage Foundation intern. Republicans have gleefully pointed out Talarico’s greatest hits on open borders, gender theology, sneering at Christianity, and enthusiastic support for abortion up to and including the college graduation ceremony. Now, with Bernie Sanders, fresh off endorsing race-communist Zohran Mamdani in New York, riding shotgun to pump up the base, experts agree: this is exactly the moderate, relatable messaging deep-red Texans have been craving.
“He’s a man of the people,” said one Texas Democrat strategist, while quietly updating his résumé for a think tank job in Virginia. “Bernie’s authenticity will really resonate with ranchers in Lubbock and oil workers in Midland. Just wait until they hear about the free college and wealth taxes!”
Talarico, with full Bernie endorsement energy, will go on to face either Sen. John Cornyn or Texas AG Ken Paxton in November, in what insiders are already calling “the most normal election Texas has ever seen.”
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The move comes as Democrats rally behind Senate candidate James Talarico, a man so far left he makes Karl Marx look like a Heritage Foundation intern. Republicans have gleefully pointed out Talarico’s greatest hits on open borders, gender theology, sneering at Christianity, and enthusiastic support for abortion up to and including the college graduation ceremony. Now, with Bernie Sanders, fresh off endorsing race-communist Zohran Mamdani in New York, riding shotgun to pump up the base, experts agree: this is exactly the moderate, relatable messaging deep-red Texans have been craving.
“He’s a man of the people,” said one Texas Democrat strategist, while quietly updating his résumé for a think tank job in Virginia. “Bernie’s authenticity will really resonate with ranchers in Lubbock and oil workers in Midland. Just wait until they hear about the free college and wealth taxes!”
Talarico, with full Bernie endorsement energy, will go on to face either Sen. John Cornyn or Texas AG Ken Paxton in November, in what insiders are already calling “the most normal election Texas has ever seen.”
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