Hamza bin Laden takes his first bride

Not gay Hamza

It's a marriage made in Jannah--Hamza bin Laden, son of the incredibly dead Osama bin Laden, has married the possibly beautiful daughter of Mohammed Atta, the dead-eyed, dead dude 911 hijacker and World Trade Center terrorist.

The marriage was confirmed by Osama's half-brothers in an interview with The Guardian newspaper.

Ahmad and Hassan al-Attas both said they believe Hamza has taken a senior terrorist position with al-Qaeda and is set on avenging the death of his father, who was shot and killed in a US military raid in Pakistan in 2011.

Hamza's first blushing bride

Hamza is the son of one of Osama's three surviving wives, Khairiah Sabar. Khairiah and Hamza were in the same compound in Abbottabad [just down the street from a huge Pakistani military facility], when Osama was shot in the head by Rob O'Neill, the only member of the Fox News team on that mission.

Hamza has gone public with urging his religious followers to wage war on Washington, London, Paris and Israel. He is considered a deputy to al-Qaeda's current leader, Ayman al-Zawahiri, and he swears that he is not gay, hoping this marriage will affirm that assertion.

Mo Atta

"We have heard he has married the daughter of Mohammed Atta," Ahmad al-Attas said. "We're not sure where he is [and if we knew, we wouldn't tell you], but it could be Afghanistan," [or any number of places that rhyme with it.]

For over two years, Western intelligence has been trying to locate Hamza because they see him as the biggest threat to gather followers because of his father's terrorism fame. His marriage to the daughter of Atta [aka: "Mo Dead-eyes"] an Egyptian national, likely confirms that he is a central part of al-Qaeda and that the organization remains organized around his incredibly dead father.

Another of Osama's sons, Khalid, was blown to smithereens in the US raid in Abbottabad, and a third son, Saad [aka: "Very Very Saad"] was killed in a drone strike in Afghanistan in 2009. Letters from Osama later seized suggested he was grooming Hamza to replace him, partly to avenge the death of Saad, and partly to have someone to leave his porn videos to.

All of bin Laden's wives and his many children are in Saudi Arabia and have been given refuge by former crown prince Mohammed bin Nayef. They all stay in touch with Osama's loving mother, Alia Ghanem.

Osama's mom

The family swears they've tried to talk Hamza out of following in his father's bloody footsteps. "When we thought everyone was over this [because the death of thousands of Americans shouldn't take all that long to get over], the next thing I knew was Hamza saying 'I am going to avenge my father,'" said Hassan al-Attas. "I don't want to go through that again."

"If Hamza was in front of me now," he said, "I would tell him: Allah guide you Think twice about what you are doing [then go do it, my son]. Don't retake the steps of your father [be prepared for the infidels coming for you]. You are entering really negative and horrible parts of your soul," [but a little jihad can do you a world of good].

The family claims they haven't contacted Osama bin Laden from 1999 until his death in 2011. But if you believe that, you might also believe that snakes have hips. They also said that they haven't heard from Hamza nor received any messages from him, but somehow they know that he just got hitched to the girl of his dreams.

Knowing his relationship with al-Qaeda, the US labels him a specially designated global terrorist as of January 2017. They could freeze his assets and arrest anyone dealing with him.

Hamza's honeymoon plans have not been divulged but his family says he's probably having a blast.

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