Lance Armstrong beats Mike Pence in imaginary bike race without doping this time

Moments before Armstrong "blew the
f***'in doors off Mike Pence"

Nantucket, Mass. -- there once was a man from Nantucket . . . at least there was a bike path there and the Vice President of the United States Mike Pence was riding along the path when boom! Former disgraced bike racer and competition cheater, Lance Armstrong blew past him as Pence took in the scenery and rang the little bell on his handlebars to let people know he was coming their way.

Armstrong, 47, took to Twitter to brag about his non-doping win against the 60-year-old Pence who was unaware that he was being hotly pursued by a man who had his seven Tour de France titles stripped after a doping scandal.

Armstrong tweeted:

“I can’t drop many people on a bike these days but I just blew the f***in’ doors off Mike Pence on a Nantucket bike path. Day. Made.” 

Pence, using a much heavier bike than Armstrong, actually had doors on his bike. He had flown into Nantucket Saturday for a GOP fundraiser, which did not include a bike race that he was unaware he was participating in.

Alyssa Farah

Alyssa Farah, a spokeswoman for the vice president, issued a tweet in reply from her personal account. 

“Couldn’t quite hang onto those Tour de France titles, but hey, at least you beat Karen & Mike Pence on a leisurely bike ride! Congrats?”

Armstrong’s enormous victory also caught the attention of Donald Trump Jr.:

“Wow dude you’re a real bad ass … did you need to use steroids this time too or was that just to cheat others out of wins throughout your career?” 

Others on Twitter joined in:

"Yay for you Mr. Bike Path warrior. Mike Pence just blew past you on every road in character.
— Pastor Greg Locke (@pastorlocke) August 11, 2019

"Sooo… the guy who cheated to win all his championships now thinks it’s winning to ride a bike faster than a 60 year old who wasn’t even trying to race him… got it."
— Tim Young (@TimRunsHisMouth) August 10, 2019

Lance Armstrong bragged yesterday he biked faster than VP Pence. What a DOPE. Later today Lance will challenge Supreme Court Justice Ginsburg to a race. #lancearmstrong #KeepAmericaGreat2020
— Gary L Bauer (@GaryLBauer) August 12, 2019

Armstrong said he meant the tweet as a joke and that people should lighten up. But then went on to restate that he blew the doors off of Pence. He really should stay off Twitter and maybe take up pogo-sticking.

The John Kerry Dismount

Biking doesn't always have to be competitive. But if you're going to get into racing in any serious way, don't take drugs and don't do doping because only dopes dope.

Also, don't take any biking tips from John Kerry.



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If You Believe Lance, I Have a Bridge for Sale

They are our heroes. They run faster, bike harder, catch better than most everyone else on the planet, and perform amazing feats with their bodies that we can only dream of doing ourselves. And for that we pay them millions of dollars and exalt them to the heavens. Athletes. They represent our country in competition, and define who we are as a culture.

Lance Armstrong, Barry Bonds, Mark McGuire and probably hundreds, if not thousands of other professional athletes who have used performance enhancing drugs. They do this to win and they excuse it by saying "Everyone else is doing it, so I do it to even out the playing field." But everyone else doesn't do it because human nature isn't so dark that we all would lower ourselves to cheat in order to win. But yes, many athletes cheat because  it pays off if they don't get caught.

We have been taught to cheat by our coaches too. Not necessarily with performance enhancing drugs, but with lying. Look at the wide receiver who knows he dropped the ball or used the ground to catch it who will swear the catch was clean. I can go on with myriad examples, but you get my point.

It wasn't Armstrong's cheating that was the worst part of the story, it was his lying, then accusing, then suing those who rightly accused him. Lance Armstrong is a bully and now has gone on Oprah to advance his career once again. I will not fall for it and I hope you won't either.

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