Kerry says Pokemom GO is a bigger threat than ISIS

A save from getting caught picking his nose

Secretary of State John Kerry spoke at the University of Liberal Thought on Monday where he discussed the current dangers facing Western civilization, aka the once upon a time free world.

"While many will say that the greatest dangers we face in the world today is that of ISIS and other terrorist organizations and air conditioners, we cannot rule out the threat posed by Pokemon GO.," the silver-haired Vietnam war hero said.

"People from all Western walks of life are mesmerized by this fascinating game. However, it is clear to this administration, as I believe it is clear to you fine people here at ULT, that Pokemon GO takes ones focus away from the environment and the dangers of global warming, as well as the air conditioners to deal with it which pose another immediate danger."

Coincidentally, as Kerry spoke to the students, most of whom were majoring in gender studies, LGBTQ studies, and Peruvian underwater basket weaving, a Black Lives Matter protest broke out in front of the gymnasium where Kerry was speaking. Forty-seven white students were hurt trying to run away from the scene, and six police officers suffered slight gunshot wounds from the protesters. 

Mr. Kerry was unhurt but gave himself a medal for bravery anyway.

It was like those three months he spent in Vietnam all over again.





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Kerry lectures on dangers of refrigerators and ACs

Rumor has it that Secretary of State John Kerry is secretly working for The Onion a tabloid devoted to satire and humor.

The rumor started when Kerry spoke in Vienna to amend the 1987 Montreal Protocol to phase out hydrofluorocarbons, of HRFs, from appliances such as home and commercial air conditioners, refrigerators, and inhalers.

Using hyperbole, the latest verbal tactic in everyone's political arsenal, Kerry said that air conditioners and refrigerators are as big a threat to life as the threat of terrorism such as that posed by ISIS and other Islamic religious jihadists.

And Kerry should know. He has lost many close and dear friends to the ravages of refrigerators. One friend, Lucifer Langley, was beheaded by a refrigerator when, as a boy, he stuck his head in an abandoned GE left in an empty lot when another boy (John Kerry) slammed the door shut on his neck. 

The story never made the news.

Another time Mr. Kerry recalls when his high school sweetheart was mysteriously killed by a falling air conditioner. The reason it was a mystery was due to the fact that it took place by a lake where the couple had previously engaged in coitus, as Sheldon would put it.

"As we were working together on the challenge of [ISIS] and terrorism," Kerry said. "It's hard for some people to grasp it, [meaning he thinks everyone else is an idiot like the Democrats] but what we-you-are doing here right now is of equal importance because it has the ability to literally save life on the planet itself."

Proof that Kerry is either a) a complete moron; or b) a fool who thinks we think ISIS is no big deal; or c) all of the above.

"Hair-plugs" Kerry said that most of the banned substances in the Montreal Protocol have increased the use of HFCs which he claimed was thousands of times more potent than CO2. 

Kerry attended Yale and had some pretty crappy grades, particularly during his freshman year, according to Mental Floss. He earned D's in geology and two history classes, and as proof of his political acumen, ran a D in political science.

So the idea that John Kerry can even spell hydrofluorocarbons without autocorrect is questionable.

"The use of hydrofluorocarbons is unfortunately growing. Already, the HFCs use in refrigerators, air conditioners, and other items are emitting an entire gigaton of carbon dioxide-equivalent pollution into the atmosphere [which is located someplace he is still searching for] annually. Now if that sounds like a lot, my friends, [sounding like Dr. Demento] it's because it is. It's the equivalent to emissions from nearly 300 coal-fired power plants every single year [and one Iranian nuclear reactor every day]."

For a D-level science student to lecture us about how air conditioners are more dangerous than ISIS and Islamic terrorism is the definition of arrogance.

Kerry is "all hat, no brain."




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