Posts
NEW YORK — In a harrowing display of bravery, daytime television intellectual Sunny Hostin courageously clarified this week that her heroic story about single-handedly subduing an entire jury room was actually about a completely different person who happened to be a man.
Hostin, who spends her mornings delivering authoritative legal wisdom to women waiting in doctor's office lobbies, recently regaled the public with a tale of her days as a lone holdout juror in the murder trial of The Butcher of Tompkins Square Park. According to initial reports from Hostin herself, she had used her raw intellect to dodge flying furniture and single-handedly conquer eleven inferior minds.
"And we were sequestered for nine days; one juror threw a chair at me," Hostin heroically explained during the grand performance. "They were so angry with me and one by one I picked them off and said, 'What about this, what about that,' and we ended up, all 12 unanimously voting that he was not criminally responsible by reason [of insanity]."
The truth is, they just wanted to get out of that room with her.
To solidify the legend, her production team triumphantly produced a classic New York Times article noting that "Several jurors questioned afterwards said one holdout juror was principally responsible for preventing them from returning a guilty verdict."
"That was me," Hostin declared, perhaps hoping to land a tv gig.
Unfortunately, mean-spirited conservative journalists ruined the moment by reading the rest of the news archive, which clearly identified the legendary holdout juror as a guy, not Hostin, who, we are fairly certain, she did not identify as a man at the time.
Faced with the grave injustice of public records, Hostin retreated to the safety of the Behind the Table podcast with Executive Producer Brian Teta to adjust the narrative. Teta gently guided his star host through the tragic realization that historical facts exist.
"So, the amount of attention this got was a little bit outsized, I thought," Teta sighed, visibly shaken that anyone had bothered to verify information stated on television. He then gently reminded Hostin about the male juror mentioned in every newspaper from the era.
"I remember him," Hostin suddenly recalled, her memories instantly updating to match reality.
Hostin quickly explained that while the other guy was holding out on the main murder charge, she was holding out on an entirely different charge regarding the dismemberment of the victim. And if you believe that, I have a chicken that speaks French to sell you.
"Yes, he was insane when he killed her. And he said that. He confessed that he didn’t realize that she was even dead. But then he decides to dismember her. I just thought that was so clear and gruesome and despicable to do that to someone’s remains. I thought that he should be found guilty of that. And everyone else did too, except for this one guy. And we were, like, kind of looking at him, like, that was the easy one."
When asked why none of the original jurors bothered to mention her or the dramatic airborne chairs to reporters 35 years ago, Hostin patiently explained that the press simply lacked the mental capacity to capture her brilliance.
"So, when I was explaining it to The Times and the news, I guess Newsday or the Daily News or whatever, we were, all of us were really honing in on that mistrial piece. Because it felt bad," Hostin said, not very convincingly.
Before moving on to the next segment, Hostin generously offered a public service announcement to remind everyone that her critics are simply too uneducated to understand her brilliant memory lapses.
"So, while I know it’s complex for the average person, it’s not only, it wasn’t complex to me then. And 35 years later, now as an attorney for over 30 years, it’s not complex to me now," Hostin boasted.
At publishing time, Hostin was preparing a new segment detailing how she personally drafted the U.S. Constitution, though producers noted she may later clarify that she was actually just reading a printed copy in middle school.
Tweet
To solidify the legend, her production team triumphantly produced a classic New York Times article noting that "Several jurors questioned afterwards said one holdout juror was principally responsible for preventing them from returning a guilty verdict."
"That was me," Hostin declared, perhaps hoping to land a tv gig.
Unfortunately, mean-spirited conservative journalists ruined the moment by reading the rest of the news archive, which clearly identified the legendary holdout juror as a guy, not Hostin, who, we are fairly certain, she did not identify as a man at the time.
Faced with the grave injustice of public records, Hostin retreated to the safety of the Behind the Table podcast with Executive Producer Brian Teta to adjust the narrative. Teta gently guided his star host through the tragic realization that historical facts exist.
"So, the amount of attention this got was a little bit outsized, I thought," Teta sighed, visibly shaken that anyone had bothered to verify information stated on television. He then gently reminded Hostin about the male juror mentioned in every newspaper from the era.
"I remember him," Hostin suddenly recalled, her memories instantly updating to match reality.
Hostin quickly explained that while the other guy was holding out on the main murder charge, she was holding out on an entirely different charge regarding the dismemberment of the victim. And if you believe that, I have a chicken that speaks French to sell you.
"Yes, he was insane when he killed her. And he said that. He confessed that he didn’t realize that she was even dead. But then he decides to dismember her. I just thought that was so clear and gruesome and despicable to do that to someone’s remains. I thought that he should be found guilty of that. And everyone else did too, except for this one guy. And we were, like, kind of looking at him, like, that was the easy one."
When asked why none of the original jurors bothered to mention her or the dramatic airborne chairs to reporters 35 years ago, Hostin patiently explained that the press simply lacked the mental capacity to capture her brilliance.
"So, when I was explaining it to The Times and the news, I guess Newsday or the Daily News or whatever, we were, all of us were really honing in on that mistrial piece. Because it felt bad," Hostin said, not very convincingly.
Before moving on to the next segment, Hostin generously offered a public service announcement to remind everyone that her critics are simply too uneducated to understand her brilliant memory lapses.
"So, while I know it’s complex for the average person, it’s not only, it wasn’t complex to me then. And 35 years later, now as an attorney for over 30 years, it’s not complex to me now," Hostin boasted.
At publishing time, Hostin was preparing a new segment detailing how she personally drafted the U.S. Constitution, though producers noted she may later clarify that she was actually just reading a printed copy in middle school.
Gentle readers, please take time to give a click on the ads on this page--it's one way to support my work and you don't need to purchase anything just to look. Of course, you can Buy Me A Coffee at any amount if you want to support me directly, but no pressure. And finally, consider subscribing if you enjoy the blog--it's free, and totally worth the cost.
No comments:
Post a Comment