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In a stunning display of patriotic selflessness, longtime FBI intelligence official Nikki L. Floris has been revealed as the plucky bureaucrat who heroically buried an inconvenient 2020 intelligence report alleging that China was mass-producing fake driver’s licenses to stuff mail-in ballots for Joe Biden.
Floris, who joined the FBI in 2005 and climbed the ranks with the grim determination of someone who really, really didn’t want certain things to see the light of day, served in the Counterterrorism Division, rose to Deputy Assistant Director in Counterintelligence, and eventually led the Foreign Influence Task Force. In 2022 she was even named the first Intelligence Analyst in Charge of the Washington Field Office — a fancy title that basically meant she got to decide which intelligence the rest of the government was allowed to know about.
She has testified before Congress on election security and counterterrorism, which, in retrospect, was probably the equivalent of a drug offender giving a seminar on pharmaceutical security protocols.The Heroic Suppression of 2020
Everything came crashing into the open this week after President Trump declassified a stack of documents proving that, back in late September 2020, the Albany field office had the audacity to submit an Intelligence Information Report suggesting China was helping Biden win via fraudulent mail-in ballots.
Rather than investigate this wild conspiracy theory (that China might do election interference), Floris sprang into action like a true guardian of democracy. She immediately moved to retract the report, declaring that all such intelligence needed to route through her special headquarters team so it could be properly “managed.”
When a colleague asked about the report, Floris coolly replied, “It’s been retracted.” Then, in what historians will one day call one of the most humble admissions of bureaucratic power in American history, she added: “I am basically running a shadow government inside the FBI right now.”
That should make us all feel comfortable.
Upon successful suppression of the report, she reportedly exclaimed, “AAAAAAAH SNAPS!!!! Well done! THANK YOU for handling!!!” — the bureaucratic equivalent of a touchdown dance. Officials explained that the report had to be killed because parts of it sounded “conspiracy-like” and, more importantly, it might have contradicted FBI Director Christopher Wray’s sworn testimony that there was no evidence of widespread mail-in fraud. In other words: the facts were dangerously close to making the boss look wrong, so the facts had to go.
The report was recalled, reissued attempts were blocked, and a draft was quietly deleted just before the election. Mission accomplished. The Deep State’s Favorite Employee Lands at MicrosoftFast-forward to 2026. After years of dedicated service protecting the American people from information they didn’t need to know, Floris has moved on to a new and equally important role: Director of Insider Risk at Microsoft.
Yes, the woman who admitted to running a shadow government inside the FBI is now in charge of protecting Microsoft from insider threats. Conservatives immediately began flooding Microsoft with polite suggestions that perhaps the company should fire the person whose greatest professional achievement was being the ultimate insider threat.
The irony was apparently lost on no one except the people still pretending this was all perfectly normal.Bonus Points for ConsistencyIn a delightful bit of foreshadowing, Floris was also involved in briefing Republican senators that the Hunter Biden laptop story was likely Russian disinformation — right around the same time her team was busy making sure inconvenient Chinese election stories stayed buried.
Some might call this a pattern. Others would call it “protecting our democracy.”
President Trump highlighted the newly declassified documents in a recent speech, noting that “rogue bureaucrats” had buried intelligence about China attempting to manufacture illegal ballots for Biden. Floris, naturally, was the star of that particular rogue-bureaucrat highlight reel. At press time, Microsoft had not yet announced whether their new Director of Insider Risk would be required to sign a “no shadow governments” clause in her employment contract.
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