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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice President JD Vance reportedly unveiled a groundbreaking new foreign policy doctrine this week in which America protects Iran from consequences, scolds Israel for noticing, and calls it peace.
According to administration officials, Vance has assumed the role of chief life insurance salesman for the world's most resilient theocracy, offering what critics describe as a platinum-level protection package for the Ayatollah and friends.
The agreement, allegedly negotiated from the comfort of a luxurious Swiss resort, would provide Tehran with enough economic assistance to ensure that every government official can continue enjoying the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed.
Witnesses say Vance sat across from representatives of the Islamic Republic and enthusiastically celebrated what supporters are calling "a bold new vision" and critics are calling "the geopolitical equivalent of giving your car keys to the guy who just stole your wallet."
At one point, Vance reportedly praised President Trump for his willingness to see "a Middle East that operates much differently ten years from now than it did ten years ago."
Analysts confirmed that this is technically true. So, instead of simple beheadings of those who 'insult' the religion of peace, they now will shoot or bomb their enemies if only they can get a nuke to do the job.
Under the proposed arrangement, Iran would receive sanctions relief, access to frozen assets, and a massive reconstruction fund in exchange for assurances that everything will probably work out fine.
Sources say administration officials became annoyed when skeptics demanded written guarantees.
Vance reportedly reassured reporters that spoken promises were sufficient, explaining that hostile revolutionary regimes are generally known for their strict commitment to honesty, transparency, and keeping their word. Um . . . duh.
Meanwhile, Israeli officials who expressed concern over the arrangement were reportedly invited to participate in a special diplomatic exercise known as "being lectured" by those who wish to kill them.
During one exchange, Vance allegedly instructed Israeli leaders to "wake up and smell the reality" while simultaneously reminding them who pays many of the bills.
Observers noted that this marked the first time in history that a nation fighting multiple Iranian-backed terrorist groups was informed that the real problem was its attitude.
The administration also expressed frustration that Israel continued targeting Hezbollah commanders instead of focusing on the more important task of helping diplomats meet quarterly peace process benchmarks.
According to sources, Hezbollah was relieved to learn that military realities would henceforth be subordinate to conference schedules.
Critics further objected when Israeli security officials warned that the agreement could leave Iran dangerously close to nuclear capability. But Vance reportedly dismissed such concerns as an "odd freakout" fueled by excessive worry.
Residents of Israel responded by apologizing for their irrational tendency to become nervous whenever a regime that repeatedly threatens their destruction gets access to billions of dollars. What could possibly go wrong for them?
Conservative commentator Mark Levin was among those criticizing the framework, arguing that it seemed strangely uninterested in the Iranian people themselves.
For years, Iranian dissidents have risked imprisonment, torture, and death to challenge the regime. Critics say the new approach instead rewards the government they oppose while offering freedom activists the traditional State Department package of strongly worded concern.
Experts describe the emerging strategy as one in which American foreign policy becomes dependent upon the continued stability and prosperity of the very regime it once identified as a threat.
Supporters insist this is realism. Critics insist it is appeasement.
The Cardboard gay Ayatollah reportedly insists it is working out great.
At press time, officials announced plans for a follow-up agreement in which North Korea receives a $200 billion democracy promotion grant in exchange for promising to think about behaving better someday.
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