John Bolton: From Trump's War Room to the Slammer: Karma's a Bitch, right?

Oh, sweet, sweet schadenfreude. Just when you thought the swamp couldn't get any stickier, former national security adviser John Bolton – you know, the guy with the walrus mustache that looks like it was glued on by a deranged barber, is staring down the barrel of a federal indictment. A grand jury in Maryland has reportedly dropped the hammer on him, and folks, it's not for jaywalking.

Two sources spilled the beans to CNN: Bolton's accused of blabbing classified intel to his own wife and daughter via email. Because nothing says "national security pro" like turning family group chat into a top-secret briefing. Remember those whispers from earlier? Turns out the Justice Department's been sniffing around Bolton's little digital diary, an AOL email account where he'd jot down summaries of his Trump-era escapades like some wannabe Bridget Jones with nukes on the brain.

FBI G-men didn't mess around this summer, either. They raided his tony Maryland pad and DC office with search warrants hotter than JK Pritzker's bicycle seat in August. They hauled out a boat load of documents stamped "secret," "confidential," and "classified," including juicy bits on weapons of mass destruction. 

Court records don't lie, and neither does irony.This isn't even fresh dirt, mind you. Bolton's been playing fast and loose with secrets since his pre-Trump government gigs. The probe zeroed in on those private AOL scribbles, because why use a secure channel when you can risk it all for convenience? 

Classic Bolton: all hat, no cattle.

Word is, the old warmonger is set to sashay into custody by Friday. Surrender like a gentleman, John, or at least like the guy who wrote the book on tough talk.

Those FBI sweeps uncovered a pile of "confidential" papers tied to WMDs and other hush-hush horrors. Bolton has been hollering from the rooftops that he never swiped a single classified page unlawfully. Sure, and if you believe that, you might also believe that snakes have hips.

He's even pointed fingers at the Trump crew, whining it's all political payback. No wrongdoing here, he swears, just a witch hunt from the big bad Orange Man. 

Speaking of feuds, Bolton's been Trump's personal yapping chihuahua ever since he bolted from the administration in 2019. The bad blood boiled over with that tell-all turd, "The Room Where It Happened," where he basically called Trump "unfit" for the Oval. He ripped into Trump's playbook on North Korea, Russia, Afghanistan, you name it, Bolton hated it. And don't get him started on the Mar-a-Lago raid; he was right there in the front row, screeching that Trump was "reckless" for hoarding docs. Pot, meet kettle. Or should I say, anus, meet sphincter?

Trump was as classy as ever when the indictment news hit. "I think he's a bad person. Too bad." 

Boom! Mic drop. 

And let's not forget the roast sessions: Trump's tagged him a "lowlife" and "unpatriotic" more times than Democrats claim the end to democracy. Fair? You bet. Bolton earned every syllable. Look, if there's a silver lining to this clown show, it's that the deep state's finally eating its own. Of course the question is whether his indictment will result in prison time--I doubt it, but perhaps I'm wrong.

Bolton built his brand on forever wars and finger-wagging at anyone who dared question the forever part. Now he's the one getting wagged. Pass the popcorn; this trial's gonna be better than cable news on a slow night. What do you think, guys? Drop your best Bolton burns in the comments.

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