US shoots down ballistic missiles in Red Sea, kill gunmen in Houthi rebel attack

US military shot down a pair of anti-ship ballistic missiles fired at a container ship in the Red Sea by Yemen’s Houthi rebels. Following that just several hours later, four boats tried to attack the same ship but US forces were on the job and opened fire. Several of the armed wayfaring scumcrumpets were sent to Jannah where their virgins awaited, and nobody on the infidel ship was injured because Allah obviously works in strange ways.

The Singapore-flagged MAERSK HANZGHOU had been hit by a missile on Saturday while trying to cross the Southern Red Sea and called for help, CENTCOM said. The USS GRAVELY and USS LABOON came to the rescue and the vessel was reportedly seaworthy.

“This is the 23rd illegal attack by the Houthis on international shipping since Nov. 19,” CENTCOM said, sounding kind of miffed. 

In another statement, CENTCOM said the same ship issued an additional distress call about a second attack “by four Iranian-backed Houthi small boats.” 

The Houthis, without the help of the blowfish, fired small arms weapons at the MAERSK HANZGHOU, getting to within about 65 feet of the vessel, and attempted to board it, CENTCOM said.

A contract-embarked security team on the ship returned fire and U.S. helicopters from the USS Dwight D. Eisenhower aircraft carrier and GRAVELY responded to the distress call and while issuing verbal warnings to the Houthi attackers, the small boat crews stupidly opened fire on the helicopters using small arms, the statement said. It was a Houthi suicide mission and suicide it was.

SecDef Lloyd Austin asks the Captain for his pronouns

“The U.S. Navy helicopters returned fire in self-defense,” because heaven forfend they preemptively blow them out of the water before they hurt somebody. The choppers sank three of the four boats, which is 75% of the boats, for those doing the math. The crews of the three were killed and the fourth boat fled like they were heading to a giveaway of child brides. There was no damage to the US personnel or equipment, and not one officer even broke a nail.

The Iran-backed Houthis have claimed attacks on ships in the Red Sea that they say are either linked to those, you know, Jews in Israel or heading to Israeli ports. They say their attacks aim to end Israel’s air-and-ground offensive targeting the Gaza Strip following the attack by the Palestinian militant group Hamas on October 7th.

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