The dog ate Biden's cognitive test

That look you get when you needed to go

Alleged President Joe Biden had is his first physical exam this week and it revealed that he has multiple health issues and may have cognitive issues as well, but as it now stands, the dog ate his exam results.

His physical was performed by Kevin C. O'Connor, D.O. [that's an Doctor of Osteopathy--kind of like a chiropractor or chiropodist] and also included several of the Presidential Specialty Consultants from Walter Reed National Military Medical Center. These physicians specialize in optometry, otolaryngology, dentistry, orthopedics (foot and ankle) orthopedics (spine--which apparently is missing with Biden based on his being led by someone in the shadows) physical therapy, neurology (they apparently didn't find anything) cardiology, radiology, dermatology, anesthesiology, and gastroenterology (to explore the causation of his frequent and extended farting).

Some of the issues O'Connor spoke about:

Biden has increasing frequency and severity of "throat clearing" and coughing while lying to the public. "He has exhibited such symptoms for as long as I have known him, but they certainly seem to be more frequent and more pronounced over the last few months. It is acknowledged that this perception may be artificially confounded by the undeniable fact that, as President, a much greater attention is directed toward his public engagements as compared to that which he experienced in previous positions. Nevertheless, this symptom is clearly present, and warranted detailed investigation.

The President’s ambulatory gait is perceptibly stiffer and less fluid than it was a year or so ago. He has several reasonable explanations for this in his orthopedic history, but again, a detailed investigation was appropriate." 

The alleged President also receives treatment for non-valvular atrial fibrillation, hyperlipidemia, gastroesophageal reflux, seasonal allergies, mild sensory peripheral neuropathy of feet, and unintentionally expelling methane from his nether regions when engaged in conversation with royalty.

Comedy News Network's Chief Medical Correspondent Sanjay Gupta was asked on air if the so-called President underwent any test  “that measured mental acuity” like former President Donald Trump did [and of which the Trump-hating public demanded].

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“It doesn’t seem like it. I read pretty carefully through the doctor’s report, and there was, they mentioned neurological exam, but that was more in terms of testing motor strength and sensation and things like that,” Gupta responded. "They didn't seem to measure whether or not his brain was actually functioning beyond those parameters. Probably not."

“President Trump had something known as the Montreal Cognitive Assessment. It’s sort of a screening test for dementia. And, you know, that there was no mention of that sort of thing here [and lucky for Joe that there wasn't]. 

O’Connor falsely concluded that Biden “remains fit for duty, and fully executes all of his responsibilities without any exemptions or accommodations.”

The scuttlebutt around the White House, however, is that Biden gets lost whenever he's left alone in the White House and spends most of his time practicing his whisper voice about "halumnivort bickeleiser."

And here the left thought Trump's "covfefe" in an early morning tweet was racist and probably impeachable.

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