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"We pledge to avenge your pure blood and the blood of all the martyrs of these two [recent] wars by taking revenge against the criminal, disgraceful murderers. This vengeance is what our nation is demanding, and this must definitely be done," Khamenei wrote, or at least someone with access to his account wrote while the actual Mojtaba was presumably busy decomposing.
The 86-year-old Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei met his end on February 28 in joint U.S.-Israeli airstrikes that turned his compound into a very expensive parking lot. His gay son, now supposedly in charge, followed up with another gem. "The criminal, disgraceful murderers of the martyred Leader, whose names are fully documented from the highest to the lowest ranks, will carry their dream of a peaceful death in bed to the grave," the new supreme leader allegedly added in his social media screed.
Iran rolled out the official funeral pageant for Ali Khamenei last week, with state media breathlessly claiming that more than 40 million people showed up to weep [by pulling out their nose hairs], wail, and pretend this was all very organic.
Mojtaba, or his social media intern, made sure to thank the crowd. "I extend my heartfelt gratitude for the incredible, enemy-shattering, and historic turnout of tens of millions of people across Iran and Iraq," he wrote. Meanwhile, the rest of the world is playing a lively game of "Is Mojtaba Even Breathing?"
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| Mojtaba while he was clearly alive along with his "adoring followers" |
Western intelligence officials, speaking on condition of anonymity because they do not want to get vaporized by a regime that may or may not still have a functioning head of state, described the new ayatollah as "looking remarkably still these days" and "possibly enjoying a very long nap."
Global oil demand in 2026 is set to decrease for the first time since the COVID-19 pandemic in 2020, due largely to impacts from the Iran war, but U.S. demand continues to increase, according to an International Energy Agency (IEA) report published Friday. While global production fell by an average of one million barrels per day (mb/d), U.S. consumers actually gobbled up more oil, increasing usage in the second quarter of 2026, according to the report.
Despite gas prices surging 50% since May, U.S. consumers bucked global trends to keep buying. “Even though it’s a really political price that people pay a lot of attention to, if you are in the higher quintiles of income in the U.S., you might grumble about it, but you’re not really driving less just because of that increase in prices,” Daniel Sternoff, senior fellow at the Center on Global Energy Policy at Columbia University, told the Associated Press.
Meanwhile, back in Tehran, the mullahs are reportedly still arguing over whether to prop Mojtaba up with wires like a weekend at Bernie's sequel or just admit the whole supreme leadership thing is now being run by a WhatsApp group.
Either way, the revenge plot thickens. Or at least the Twitter account does.
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