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For a solid hour, Trump held court, riffing like a caffeinated stand-up comic. He veered from Bobby Knight’s Indiana hardwood heroics to Judge Aileen Cannon’s Florida-sized guts, all while naming names and kicking bureaucratic tail. The message? The DOJ and FBI’s days of playing dirty pool with justice are done, kaput, finito.
Standing in that DOJ hall, Trump coolly tagged “deranged” Jack Smith and Andrew Weissmann—two clowns who tried to cage him on charges flimsier than a paper umbrella in a hurricane. “Norm Eisen of CREW...he’s been after me for nine years,” Trump tossed out, turning these MSNBC talking heads into his personal piñatas. Purpose pitch? Yeah, baseball nerds get it—everyone else, Google it.
Facing a crowd of fresh and fossilized justice suits, Trump grinned wide and declared it “a great honor to have fired James Comey.” You remember Comey—the FBI honcho who sicced honeypot spies on Trump’s early campaign without a shred of cause, waved the dodgy dossier like a blackmail ace to juice CNN’s fake news machine (still waiting on that White House Correspondents award return, guys), and baited the media into the Russia collusion circus that doubled as election meddling on steroids.
“It’s a great honor to fire James Comey a great great honor that was nothing that was no better day. A lot of people said ‘oh that’s too bad you did that’ and ... a year later they said that actually saved the administration because the level of corrupt things that we learned after that. Turned out to be that they were doing, in fact, really bad things. He was a terrible person.”
“These are bad people,” Trump said, jabbing at the oath-breaking lawbreakers who “need to go to jail.” Case in point: the latest jaw-dropper that Joe Biden handed over Trump’s and Mike Pence’s phone records to the FBI, who then mined them without a warrant—only to use the haul to get a warrant. Looping through legal logic like a pretzel factory, all to “Get Trump.”
But the real fireworks? Trump saved his heaviest artillery for the FBI’s shiny new Maryland HQ dreams—then blew them to smithereens. Turns out, he’s never liked the suburban vibe for his G-men.
I’ve written about this FBI campus boondoggle before. Picture a sprawling, tech-bro utopia that makes the current D.C. eyesore look like a broom closet. Trump called the Maryland site “three hours away”—hyperbole unless you’re crawling through Friday rush hour. DEI buzzwords, eco-fanatic checklists, and other fluff padded the plans like a bureaucrat’s expense report.
Everyone in D.C. loathes the Hoover HQ’s brutalist vibe—think Cold War bunker meets DMV waiting room. Developers are already salivating to flip it into condos and kombucha bars. Trump’s fix? “Under Director Patel, we’re getting the FBI agents out of the headquarters in Washington, D.C. and back on the streets in pursuit of dangerous criminals, where they belong and where they want to be.”
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First, he floated rebuilding on the old site. Then Kash Patel piped up, eyeing the Commerce Department’s pad on Constitution Avenue—named, weirdly, for Herbert Hoover—at “about 25% the size” of the J. Edgar joint.
Cue the imaginary headline: “Former Director Chris Wray Most Hurt by Trump’s New FBI Plan.” Wray, the guy who got a new HQ dangled during Trump’s first term, despite spying on him, paying J6 stooges, green-lighting the Mar-a-Lago raid, and chasing election interference ghosts that never materialized—all while fibbing to Congress like it was an Olympic sport.
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