President "I'm Not Kidding" will not visit East Palestine after train disaster: "Someone told me I can't go"

"Look folks, no lips"

President, they say, Joe Biden, told "reporters" that he has been told by someone whose name he forgot that he isn't going to visit East Palestine, Ohio, where a train derailment created a toxic disaster.

"I can see why they won't let me go to Palestine," Joe began. "Those Palestinians shoot people they don't like and as an American who said that I used to go to a synagogue after church on Sundays as a kid with my mom, they might think I support Israel. But look at my record, man."

One reporter explained to President Biden that this wasn't the same Palestine, and in fact, it's pronounced 'Palesteen.'

The derailment happened on February 3rd in the small Ohio Trump-loving town comprised of mostly White Republicans, which helps explain why the administration has refused to send aid and assistance before the public outcry pressured them to do so.

The cause of the Norfolk Southern derailment which resulted in a toxic clusterfrack, was an overheated wheel bearing on the 23rd car of the 149 car choo-choo, as Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg refers to freight trains. 

The result was a vinyl chloride spill, a massive explosion, a subsequent controlled fire and safe drinking water, the EPA assured the residents. When Ohio Rep. J.D. Vance offered a glass of water to the EPA representative he declined stating he wasn't thirsty at the moment.

Vinyl chloride is a known carcinogen used in the manufacturing of PVC. It was emitted from only 5 of the 149 cars, which is a significantly small percentage of the cars so there is no reason to worry, especially for residents in Canada. Interestingly however, the black billowing smoke was visible in much of eastern Ohio and western Pennsylvania.

"Frankly, I don't see the problem," President Biden said. "I'm not kidding."


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