House Majority Whip Clyburn: 'I don't want to defund the police, I just want to, um, durpdelorp the bundiff'

The following is mostly satire.

House Majority Whip Jim Clyburn (D-SC) told the Compromised News Network's (CNN) Jake Tapper on Sunday that the "Defund the Police" movement isn't about defunding the police or actually abolishing it, the "Defund the Police" movement is almost too nuanced to explain and understand, sort of. Even Joe Biden doesn't quite understand what we mean when we say "defund the cops and let take away their guns, tasers, and ability to perform their sworn duties."

What "defund the police" actually means is all about "deconstruct[ing]" police departments and have the ability to "reimagine" what "policing should look like and things and so yadda, stuff stuff."

"I would say what I have always said. Nobody is going to defund the police just because we say 'defund the police.' That isn't what we mean. We can restructure the police forces. Restructure, reimagine policing. All we need to do that is a decent doobie, a book of matches, and a dream. Yeah, that is what we are going to do."

Jake Tapper's expression remained blank.

"The fact of the matter is that police have a role to play, like stopping crime and stuff. But rather than issuing them deadly guns and tasers, we need to consider alternatives to violent responses to criminal violence. What we’ve got to do is make sure that their role is one that meets the times. Like what is wrong if cops dress as fairy godmothers who can grant wishes instead of mete out punishment? 

"Fairy godmothers are loved in America. They're cherished and respected. If a criminal is, say, in the middle of robbing a bank and a cop dressed as a fairy godmother approaches him, he isn't going to react with violence; he's going to react with respect and listen to the officer as he waves his magic wand instead of a gun. 

I didn’t grow up in fear of the police, even in a segregated environment because I didn't break the law. We never feared police," Clyburn explained. "All of a sudden I now do fear the police because that's the politically correct way to think in this environment."

"The young blacks who break the law fear the police. Why? Because of the system. It's the system and the systemic racism in the system that systematically causes those young black men who are committing crimes to worry that the police will come down hard on them and not let them do their thing. And that's racist, Jake."

"Hmm," Tapper responded thoughtfully without asking any serious follow-up questions.

The Democrats know that the idea of defunding the police is a loser. Nobody in their right mind thinks something that crazy would go well, [and Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) is not in her right mind]. So now they have changed their battle cry from "defund" to "reform" and "restructuring." Both are vague terms, which is usually how Democrats craft most of their messages. ["Hope and change" comes to mind.]

While these leftists do their restructuring, criminals will simply have to wait it out until a new, better police force is formed to stop their crimes with fairy dust and stuff.

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