SpongeBob SquarePants identifies as a Scotch-Brite

SpongeBob SquarePants, whose new name is Robert Scotch-Brite, is having an identity crisis. 

The Nickelodeon water picker-upper has effectively "come out of the sink" and has declared that he no longer identifies as a mere sponge, but instead views himself as a sponge with skills--a Scotch-Brite sponge.

In the ocean, sponges are as boring as waiting for wood to petrify because sponges have a similar sex-life to wood, petrified or soft. 

And ordinary sponges are kind of impotent. But not SpongeBob. She-he-it [say it fast] is sick and tired of being a stupid simple sponge and now he has decided to identify as a sponge with green wool-like bristles that have the ability to remove baked on grease and grime 

He still plans to hang out with Patrick, a gay starfish who doesn't really know he's gay because he's a freaking starfish, and he hopes that Patrick will not try to put the squeeze on him.

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