Love Gov. wants a go at Trump in primary challenge

The following is satire based on the real news.

Former husband of Jenny Sanford and former Governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford has decided the American people have waited long enough for his absolution to kick in and now it's time to return to the big arena of politics. He announced Sunday that he is running for president as a Republican.

Sanford said the GOP faces an identity crisis having elected a "wife cheater" to the highest office in the land and when questioned by Chris Wallace on "Fox News Sunday" about his own "wife cheating," Sanford said, "When it's love, it isn't cheating, and right now the Republican Party needs to do some soul searching."

"I think we have to have a conversation about what it means to be a Republican," Sanford told Wallace, claiming the party "has lost our way." His current partner, María Belén Chapur, is living with him but it is unclear if she plans to help his campaign as Jenny Sanford did when he ran for governor.

Keeping the onus off his personal foibles and infidelity, Sanford spoke about the debt, deficit and government spending, pretending like every politician who wanted to be elected that he would forcefully lower all of those economic areas. 

Sanford also challenged Trump's tactics when it comes to trade, saying that engaging the world when it comes to trade is "one of the hallmarks of the Republican Party."

He also brought up political culture, which he said has been "damaged" by Trump, but not by him. "Back home in South Carolina, we don't call it cheating--that's a reserved word for poker--here we call it 'following your heart.'"

"We need to have a conversation about humility," Sanford said, blasting Trump's social media habits by claiming that a tweet "is not leadership." "Humility is what won María's heart," he added.

When pressed on why he is running a race that he knows he will likely lose, Sanford, trying his best to sound sagacious said, "this is the beginning of a long walk, but it begins with a first step.”

Chris Wallace called out Sanford over his own behavior, particularly the stretch in which for nearly a week in 2009 during his term as governor, he was missing from his job, and eventually admitted that he was in Argentina doing things with María, and not hiking the Appalachian Trail like his former mouthpiece had claimed after 15 phone calls were made trying to locate him.

"Oh, I profoundly apologized for that and the other women I bedded over the last 20 years," he said. "But Trump never said he's sorry for what he did and I said I'm sorry. My dear mother always told me, 'if you ever lie, say you're sorry and the lie will disappear.' And she was a vegetarian."

Trump, as is his wont, trolled Sanford after his scandal was made public, but Sanford claimed that his campaign against "that b****** Trump."

Sanford is now the third Republican to announce a run against Trump in the primaries, with former Massachusetts Gov. Bill Weld and former Illinois Rep. Joe Walsh previously announcing their campaigns. Most pundits believe that between the three of them running, it might take a total of 12 votes away from Trump, if that many.

Jenny Sanford

Sanford resigned as Chairman of the Republican Governors Association and was succeeded by Gov. Haley Barbour (R-MS) although in an email of June 29 to members of his political action committee, Sanford said he had no intention of resigning as governor.

On August 25th, however, he was warned by state representatives Nathan Ballentine and Gary Simrill that if he didn't resign, he would be impeached, but he still stubbornly declined because he had no other marketable skills other than being a politician or a sex toy.

On December 3, after the third public hearing on impeachment, the ad hoc committee unanimously voted to remove most of the charges against Sanford saying that it didn't warrant "overturning an election." By December 6 the committee voted 6-1 against impeachment, stating that they had better things to do than dealing with this reprobate. 

But they all voted to censure him.

On December 15, 2009, the House Judiciary Committee voted unanimously to censure Sanford 102-11 in January 2010.. The eleven who did not vote to censure him may have had guilty consciences of their own.

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