Dick's will stop selling scary-looking rifles

Dick's Sporting Goods will no longer sell AR-15s because they're better than the people who have the audacity to want one.

They will, however, continue to sell semi-automatic rifles such as the Savage 10/22 carbine, and the Remington 597 semi-automatic rifle for starters. These are not considered "assault-type" weapons because they don't look scary to the average "Pajama Boy" snowflake.

On Wednesday, Dick's Sporting Goods announced they will no longer sell "assault-type rifles," indicating that they don't know what an assault rifle is and it's probably for the better that people don't count on their "expertise" to make a Second Amendment decision.

The company's decision came after they were lectured by a group of teenagers who, by virtue of them being survivors of the Parkland, Florida school shooting, were now experts on gun control legislation.

This is the second time that Dick's enacted a policy banning the sale of certain types of firearms after a mass shooting, and the results of their first ban can be seen in the second ban.

In a press release aimed at virtue signaling, Dick's said that "thoughts and prayers are not enough."  On that note, Broward County Sheriff Scott Israel said that "if thoughts and prayers were rabbits and snails, O.J. Simpson would be playing football again."

The idiots at Dick's said they made the decision because "we sold a shotgun to the Parkland shooter in November of 2017. It was not the gun, nor type of gun, he used in the shooting. But it could have been."

It's a little known factoid that Dick's used to sell trucks and vans but stopped doing so after the myriad attacks by terrorists using them as weapons. 

They have also stopped selling knives, entrenching tools and tent pins, all of which have been known to kill people. In fact, knives kill more people each year than guns, particularly long rifles.

Dick's has no plans to stop the sale of their handguns and are considering opening a new store in Detroit and Chicago.

Due to their marketing genius and lack of thoughts and prayers, the value of their stock has been cut nearly in half over the last 18 months.

But you simply cannot forget their motto: "You can't beat Dick's for value."


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