BIG UPDATE: Rogue planet heading toward Brooklyn etc.

Actual fake photo of Nibiru

Don't buy any green bananas because if conspiracy theorists are correct, as they always are (in their own minds), a rogue planet that goes by the name Nibiru (aka Planet X) is heading our way like a bat out of hell.

Schools across the world are having children hiding under their desks for protection, much like they did in the 1950s when we worried that Russia was going to nuke us. Those desks were the last vestige of protection for the kids.

The time of impact is to be during this weekend, so you can forget about any Thanksgiving plans you may have had and find a good, solid public school desk to hide under.

Conspiracy theorists say  Nibiru will screw up Earth's orbit on Sunday and bring about a series of huge earthquakes that could bring back the dinosaurs and kill the rest of life. The only creatures that stands a remote chance of survival is the standard cockroach and the doodlebug.

Nibiru was originally scheduled to destroy our world on September 23, according to a crazy Christian "numerologist," whose numerical count was evidently off. This expert "numerologist" said the rogue planet was actually going to collide with Earth, not just do a fly-by.

But lo and behold, that day came and went and nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Now "theorists" (who make their living serving fries and burgers) say that Nibiru will come so close to Earth that it will smell our fear and screw up our gravitational forces. 

It will not only bring fire and brimstone, it will cause the seas to rise and farts to smell like flowers.

Nibiru is a make believe planet located on the outer edges of our solar system (aka "The Outer Limits") and orbits the sun every 3,600 years or so. Some "theorists" believe its gravitational influences have caused Alex Jones to defraud fans out of more money than he deserves. They also think Nibiru has already caused havoc with other planets hundreds of years ago and now it's our turn.

It's also claimed by these "scientists" that this make believe planet sends plasmatic energy particles through our solar system and this energy can disrupt the core flows of the earth and cause dangerous climate change known as global warming (aka the "Al Jazeera Gore Effect").

NASA disagrees.

"There is no credible evidence whatever for the existence of Nibiru," Dr. David Morrison said. Morrison is an actual scientist with NASA and spoke to the U.K's Daily Express, which used to be a Thai takeout joint in London. "There are no pictures, no tracking, no astronomical observations."

Alex Jones disagrees.

Sounding a bit like he recently gargled with heavy-gauge steel wool, Jones said of NASA: "What do those charlatans know? They put 'Doctor' in front of their names and we're supposed to believe them? Bull! I know Nibiru is on its way--I can feel it . . .  It's out there, and it's out to get us. Folks, all we can do now is pray and get under our desks."

Now go have a banana.

UPDATE: It missed.


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