CBS ratings circling the proverbial bowl of destiny

Rating fall, new hosts flop at CBS News. 

In a move that critics are calling “the journalistic equivalent of putting pineapple on pizza,” CBS News has tanked its ratings with a revamped “CBS Evening News” featuring John Dickerson and Maurice DuBois. The duo replaced longtime host Norah O’Donnell earlier this year, ushering in what the network billed as a “magazine-style, less headline-driven” format. Spoiler alert: viewers are snoozing harder than a congregation during a tax code sermon.

“It’s been critically panned, ratings down week by week and from this time last year,” a source dished to the Daily Mail, probably while clutching a latte and a pink slip. The show’s executive producer, Bill Owens, is reportedly drowning under the weight of his own ambition. “Bill Owens is also overstretched and feeling the pressure with this lawsuit from Donald Trump,” the insider added, referencing a $20 billion legal smackdown over “60 Minutes” allegedly turning Kamala Harris’s election-year interview into a choppy TikTok remix.

Owens, who’s been juggling “60 Minutes” like a circus clown on a unicycle, was tapped last summer to resuscitate “CBS Evening News.” Instead, the show’s ratings have belly-flopped harder than a lead balloon. Nielsen numbers from last week show a 14% year-over-year nosedive, while advertisers are fleeing faster than hipsters from a gluten-heavy buffet. For the week of February 10th, the show saw a 24% drop in the coveted 25-54 demographic. “That demographic is very important to advertisers,” a former TV news exec told Status. “The experiment is failing.”

Meanwhile, inside sources are painting a picture of chaos that would make a Three Stooges reunion look organized. “I would say it’s a five-alarm fire,” the exec whispered dramatically. Another producer chimed in, “It’s mind boggling. They took the ‘news’ out of the ‘Evening News!’ It’s not surprising the audience is leaving in droves.” Case in point: a recent Oval Office appearance by President Trump and Elon Musk got a measly 22 seconds of airtime. “This is one of the most consequential periods for news in years,” a source groaned to Status. “And [yet] they are often minimizing the biggest story of the day to 20 seconds.”

The network’s leadership isn’t exactly inspiring confidence either. Early Owens fan Adrienne Roark has already jumped ship, and rumors swirl that CEO Wendy McMahon might be next to walk the plank. “Why did McMahon and Owens decide to try to reinvent the ‘Evening News’ in this challenging moment?” an industry insider mused. “Any excuse you give the audience to change their habit is a massive risk. The habits are so fragile in this new media landscape. So if you give them an excuse to stop watching, they will.”

Still, CBS loyalists are clinging to hope like it’s the last lifeboat on the Titanic. “We are in this for the long term and are confident in our long game,” they insisted to the Mail. “We expected this.” Sure, and we expected the moon to be made of cheese. Meanwhile, ABC and NBC’s evening news programs are quietly sipping champagne as their ratings tick upward. “It’s almost impossible to build it once you’ve lost it,” a producer warned. “So to have a drop off like that suggests that this asset… is circling the drain.”
In short, CBS News has rolled the dice on a bold new format and landed on “ratings bankruptcy.” Stay tuned—next week they might replace the anchors with sock puppets and a kazoo orchestra.

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