ISIS apologizes to everyone they hurt

In a startling change of heart, the Islamic State has apologized to all the families of the infidels and apostates they have killed over the years. They now say that they realize beheadings and other forms of murder of non-Sunni Muslims who fail to think the way ISIS thinks is just not nice and "it's just not fair."

As a peace offering, Abu Bakr al Baghdadi has agreed to provide infidels with information about Islam, teach classes, and thus allow them to make up their own minds as to whether or not they agree to convert to the religion of peace. 

"After all," al Baghdadi said, "I have a PhD in Islamic Studies, so I know a thing or two about Islam."

Iraqi-born Saga al-Dulaimi, al Baghdadi's second wife who escaped the marriage, said that when she knew the now infamous terrorist, he was "a normal family man." She admitted knowing that Abu took the religion very seriously, but never to the point of actually following the Koran to the letter.

Soon to be former president Barack Hussein Obama said in response to al Baghdadi's offer, "Now that's what I'm talkin' about. I am so happy to be able to leave my presidency knowing that our nation will be in good stead with Islam. It was just a matter of time before ISIL realized the errors of their methods."

Allahu Akbar!



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