FBI finds for Kavanaugh, and that he shares family lineage to Jesus

Special agent Freddy D. Freilowdher

In an incredibly focused and intense FBI investigation into the allegations made against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh regarding sexual misconduct, "not a shred of evidence or corroboration was found to assert the veracity of Christine Blasey Ford's testimony," FBI agent Freddy D. Freilowdher told Brain Flushings' Vinny Boombots.

"In fact, there is more evidence uncovered that shows Ford's testimony was full of holes, among other things," Freilowdher added. "What was most interesting, however, is the discovery by the agency that Mr. Kavanaugh is a direct descendant of Jesus Christ. We were able to make the trace using the Mormon database and we can say that with 87 percent certainty."

In the aftermath of the FBI's findings, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, uncle to Amy Schumer of bad sexual innuendo fame, was livid.

"It's obvious," Schumer began, "that the FBI leans hard to the right with their law and order crap, and no investigation by them is going to prove the truth--that poor, helpless Doctor Christine Ford was brutally jumped upon by Brett Kavanaugh in 1982 or thereabouts, in someone's home somewhere, and that he got visibly angry when we called him on it.

"Insofar as him being related to Jesus, heck, that's not the point. Probably lots of people are related to Jesus--not me, I'm Jewish, but hey, wasn't Jesus Jewish too? Maybe I'm even related to Jesus. Anyhow, I say we get our own non-partisan investigators and get to the truth no matter how long it takes."

McConnell basically flipped him off at that point.


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