Howard Schultz to step down to maybe step up in 2020

Howard Schultz, Executive Chairman of the burnt coffee chain known as Starbucks, is stepping down as of June 26, the company confirmed Monday, and there is speculation that he wants to run for president.

Schultz, as you may know, was the guy who oversaw the Seattle coffeehouse chain's global expansion and who made all of the company's employees take racial sensitivity training after one of the chain's managers followed policy by denying use of a toilet to two men who were loitering in the store without buying anything. Unfortunately for the manager, the two men had higher levels of melanin than Caucasians, and Schultz had a cow.

Schultz, who is 64, worked for the pretentious coffee chain for about forty years. He has been the CEO from 1987 to 2000 and did a second stint from 2008 to 2016, when he was replaced by current CEO, Kevin Johnson. He is currently the owner of the NBA's Seattle Supersonics.

"I set out to build a company that my father, a blue-collar worker and World War II veteran, never had a chance to work for," Schultz wrote in a letter to Starbucks employees. "Together we've done that, and so much more, by balancing profitability and social conscience, compassion and rigor, and love and responsibility."

After the announcement, Starbucks' stock took a dive.

Schultz is a huge critic of President Trump and has been rumored to have political aspirations, as is common with narcissists and megalomaniacs.

If elected, Schultz will likely promise a coffee in every pot, but you have to overpay for it, but if you refuse, you can still use the toilet.

If elected, Schultz will capitulate to anyone with more intersectionality 'creds' than him in order to bow to the gods of leftist progressivism.

"I want to be truthful with you without creating more speculative headlines," he told the failing New York Times on Monday. "For some time now, I have been deeply concerned about our country--the growing division at home and our standing in the world [that began its nosedive when Barack Obama led from behind]."

"One of the things I want to do in my next chapter is to figure out if there is a role I can play in giving back" [hint, hint]. "I'm not exactly sure what that means yet."

Yeah, sure.

Starbucks now has more than 28,000 store and public toilet locations across 77 countries. All Schultz asks of store attendees is to not fall asleep on the floor, and flush when they're finished.

If Schultz does indeed run in 2020, his motto will be: "At least I don't say p***y!"


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