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Here's how I think Obama's speech will sound if he forgets his Tele Prompter:
"Good evening, my fellow Americans, and Assalam Alikum to the Muslim world. I want to give a special shout-out to my main men, Jay Z--hey dude, how's it been? Hey Sean, zup? Michael, hey dude, put down that burger. Just kiddin', you can keep eatin'.
"But let me be serious here; America is in a conundrum. We have a responsibility to a world that refuses to take responsibility against an evil dictator who has indisputably used chemical weapons, specifically serin gas, on his people, and the children of Syria. I know over 100 thousand Syrians were slaughtered by Bashar Assad, but that was fair and square in the rules of war. But when those innocent little lives were snuffed out by this evil chinless man, that was it for the world--they drew a red line in the sand, and it was up to me to honor that red line because they wouldn't. (You pussies know who you are.)
"Some of you may be skeptical, thinking that I am walking the world's red line backwards. Some of you may even believe that it was me who drew that red line in the sand. It wasn't--it was you folks. And let me be clear: red lines cannot walk backwards--they are in the sand and they simply stay put.
"I know the American people are war-weary, but I can promise you, we will not use a major strike against Assad, we will use a teeny weeny strike and no harm will come to anyone. We will likely not even break any dishes and I am not planning on removing Assad from office. All I want is to teach him an important lesson: blow kids and adults up with ballistic weapons = okay; kill kids with chemical weapons = bad. It's just that simple, folks.
"There will be no boots on the ground, but there will be a bunch of butts in the air with our air strikes. If the poll numbers from this strategy indicate that the American public will screw the Democratic party at next year's midterm elections, then I promise you, I will only use drones. It will be a total RC war brought to Assad by Mattel Drones--you can tell it's Matell, it's swell.
"I know many of you are concerned about Israel and the possibility that Syria will attack them if we attack Syria. That's okay--it's only Israel--we need to stop being so concerned about them and worry more about helping the rebels.
"Insofar as those videos that show the rebels executing those government soldiers and the rebel leader who ate the heart of a government fighter on YouTube, Susan Rice has assured me that those videos were staged.
"So I ask for your support not only for my personal face-saving surgical attack on nothing important in Syria, but for the credibility of the entire world who had to open their big mouth and draw that red line that got them into deep trouble.
"Thank you, and Inshallah, good night."
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"Good evening, my fellow Americans, and Assalam Alikum to the Muslim world. I want to give a special shout-out to my main men, Jay Z--hey dude, how's it been? Hey Sean, zup? Michael, hey dude, put down that burger. Just kiddin', you can keep eatin'.
"But let me be serious here; America is in a conundrum. We have a responsibility to a world that refuses to take responsibility against an evil dictator who has indisputably used chemical weapons, specifically serin gas, on his people, and the children of Syria. I know over 100 thousand Syrians were slaughtered by Bashar Assad, but that was fair and square in the rules of war. But when those innocent little lives were snuffed out by this evil chinless man, that was it for the world--they drew a red line in the sand, and it was up to me to honor that red line because they wouldn't. (You pussies know who you are.)
"Some of you may be skeptical, thinking that I am walking the world's red line backwards. Some of you may even believe that it was me who drew that red line in the sand. It wasn't--it was you folks. And let me be clear: red lines cannot walk backwards--they are in the sand and they simply stay put.
"I know the American people are war-weary, but I can promise you, we will not use a major strike against Assad, we will use a teeny weeny strike and no harm will come to anyone. We will likely not even break any dishes and I am not planning on removing Assad from office. All I want is to teach him an important lesson: blow kids and adults up with ballistic weapons = okay; kill kids with chemical weapons = bad. It's just that simple, folks.
"There will be no boots on the ground, but there will be a bunch of butts in the air with our air strikes. If the poll numbers from this strategy indicate that the American public will screw the Democratic party at next year's midterm elections, then I promise you, I will only use drones. It will be a total RC war brought to Assad by Mattel Drones--you can tell it's Matell, it's swell.
"I know many of you are concerned about Israel and the possibility that Syria will attack them if we attack Syria. That's okay--it's only Israel--we need to stop being so concerned about them and worry more about helping the rebels.
"So I ask for your support not only for my personal face-saving surgical attack on nothing important in Syria, but for the credibility of the entire world who had to open their big mouth and draw that red line that got them into deep trouble.
"Thank you, and Inshallah, good night."
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