TEHRAN -- Iran's latest Supreme Leader Mojtaba Khamenei is severely disfigured after sustaining leg and face injuries during joint U.S.-Israel airstrikes on Tehran in February, Reuters reported Saturday.
It's bad enough that he might be killed in the near future, but worse for him, he has reportedly been disfigured and is no longer considered 'dating material' at any gay goat milk bar.
In a stunning display of medical miracles and regime resilience, Iran's new Supreme Leader, Mojtaba Khamenei, is said to be recovering nicely after the February 28 airstrikes that inconveniently vaporized his father, the late Ayatollah Ali Hosseini Khamenei. Sources confirm he has not been seen in public since the unfortunate incident, presumably because hospital gowns clash with his father's signature black turban.
Despite sustaining injuries that would make most mortals reconsider their life choices, Khamenei is allegedly "mentally sharp," according to a breathless Reuters report citing a crack team of three anonymous sources from deep within his inner circle, probably the same guys who swore the last guy was totally fine too.
The plucky new allegedly gay supreme leader has even been coordinating with the Iranian delegation in Pakistan for delicate peace talks with a U.S. team led by Vice President JD Vance.
Despite sustaining injuries that would make most mortals reconsider their life choices, Khamenei is allegedly "mentally sharp," according to a breathless Reuters report citing a crack team of three anonymous sources from deep within his inner circle, probably the same guys who swore the last guy was totally fine too.
The plucky new allegedly gay supreme leader has even been coordinating with the Iranian delegation in Pakistan for delicate peace talks with a U.S. team led by Vice President JD Vance.
Nothing says "I'm in charge" like Zooming in from a burn unit while your entire military high command decorates the Persian landscape.
The Reuters dispatch neatly backs up an earlier observation from Secretary of War Pete Hegseth, who on March 13 bluntly informed reporters that Khamenei was "likely disfigured."
The Reuters dispatch neatly backs up an earlier observation from Secretary of War Pete Hegseth, who on March 13 bluntly informed reporters that Khamenei was "likely disfigured."
Hegseth doubled down Thursday during a press conference celebrating the U.S. military's recent accomplishments in Iran.
"Their top leadership was systematically eliminated," Hegseth said. "Their previous Iranian supreme leader dead, the supreme national security council secretary dead, the supreme leader office advisor dead, the supreme leader military office chief dead, the defense minister no longer with us, the IRGC commander dead, the armed forces general staff commander dead, the intelligence minister dead, the IRGC navy commander no longer here, the IRGC Intel chief dead.
"Their top leadership was systematically eliminated," Hegseth said. "Their previous Iranian supreme leader dead, the supreme national security council secretary dead, the supreme leader office advisor dead, the supreme leader military office chief dead, the defense minister no longer with us, the IRGC commander dead, the armed forces general staff commander dead, the intelligence minister dead, the IRGC navy commander no longer here, the IRGC Intel chief dead.
"I skipped over a bunch, and I could go on and on and on, to include the new so-called new supreme leader, wounded and disfigured. This new regime was out of options and out of time, so they cut a deal."
At press time, anonymous sources close to the matter described Khamenei's condition as "sharp as a tack... if the tack had been run over by several F-35s," and had that little pointy thing broken off.
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At press time, anonymous sources close to the matter described Khamenei's condition as "sharp as a tack... if the tack had been run over by several F-35s," and had that little pointy thing broken off.
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