ABC or Anything But Conservative Debate of GOP Candidates Hoping to Make Obama Unemployed

Last night's debate on ABC was missing something but I can't remember what--wait--Jon Huntsman was missing, that's what. Wherever Jon was, galivanting around with his "I know better than anyone" smirk, he was not missed by the debaters, and was not mentioned by George "I-Kissed-Bill's-Bellybutton-Ring-Stephanoploulis nor by Diane-My-Throat-Needs-a-Lozenge-Sawyer. But in spite of Huntsman's absence, the debate still had a somewhat sucky feeling.

In referencing that sucky feeling, I refer to how Stephano (as his friend calls him) tried to get the others on the podiums to attack Newt-I-Did-Have-Sex-With-Those-Women-Gingrich.  It didn't work out as planned, since Mitt-I-Never-Farted-in-my-Life-Romney decided to attack Barack-Hope-and-Change-LOL-Obama instead. Mitt was wonderful and presidential, and for the first time in my adult life, I was proud of my Mormon.

The first question of the debate was from Sawyer, who asked: What is your distinguishing idea on how to create jobs, how long would it take, and specifically, how many jobs would your plan create, rounding up to the nearest hundred? Okay, that wasn't exactly how she asked it, but wanting to have an actual number was stupid, which only goes to prove my personal hypothesis: Diane Sawyer is stupid. 

This was the first debate since Newt's numbers surpassed the rest of the field and he answered Diane Sawyer's question first, discussing how lowering taxes and doing everything opposite to what Obama has been doing, would create jobs. He received a sitting ovation from Calista and several others in the audience at Drake University, and I like that he listened to his grandkids and actually smiled.  Mitt then got the Sawyer nod and he explained how we need to go after China like bulls in some kind of shop, which I can't recall. He was very presidential and controlled, and I liked his hair. Ron-Israel-Can-Take-a-Hike-Paul went next, making one syllable words into polysyllable words, and he talked about TARP, the US Constitution, and how he nearly froze his testicles off when speaking to Fox News the previous morning in Iowa. Well, he didn't actually talk about it, but I saw it myself when he was being interviewed. Rick-All-My-Taxes-Come-From-Texas Perry discussed his flat tax, and to be honest, he sounded like he finally got over his case of Alzheimer's. Michelle-I-Am-Conservative-Hear-Me-Pray-Bachmann's plan was to ensure that every American pay something in tax, and the 47% who pay nothing, can start shelling out too. I imagine she will lose about 47% of those independent voters who qualify for her plan. Finally, Rick-It-Hurts-When-I-Laugh-Santorum emphasized how increasing manufacturing, where "Made in the USA" takes a front seat in the roller coaster of American business, is most important, in spite of the fact that it's the last seat in the roller coaster that's the most fun.

Of course the panel could not keep themselves from asking the most important question of the debate: So how important is this fidelity thingy regarding one's qualifications for the Presidency of the United States of America? Like, is it okay to be unfaithful, have multiple marriages, and simultaneously be courting Donald Trump?


To his credit, Mitt didn't take the bait, and I believe that he was the big winner--and George Stephanopoulis was a master baiter.

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