Congress Forced To Pause Entire Government After Rashida Tlaib Suffers Severe Emotional Damage From Mean Words

Tlaib famously able to touch her nose with her lips

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. House of Representatives was thrown into a veritable clusterfrack this week after Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-MI), reportedly suffered a critical outbreak of democracy when Rep. Max Miller (R-OH), said things out loud that weren’t pre-approved by congressional sensitivity coordinators.

The dramatic scene unfolded during debate over a Lebanon war powers resolution, where Tlaib accused Israel of committing atrocities while demanding the United States stop supporting America’s closest ally in the Middle East.

"We must end U.S. participation in the Israeli apartheid regime’s invasion of Lebanon. The Israeli military continues to target journalists like Amal Khalil and use our tax dollars to commit war crimes," said Tlaib.

At that point, Miller apparently made the grave error of responding.

"Its members are butchers that you like to hang out with to a certain extent," charged Miller. "Yes, you advocate for terrorists on a daily basis. You advocate for a terrorist regime every single day."

Witnesses say the Capitol immediately entered DEFCON 1 after a Republican criticized a Democrat too directly.

Tlaib reportedly shouted across the chamber, though congressional stenographers were unable to translate the remarks because they were delivered at the frequency usually associated with malfunctioning smoke detectors.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Are we getting a little emotional?" chided Miller.

Congressional sources confirmed this sentence caused more destruction to the institution than the national debt, insider trading, and 40 years of continuing resolutions combined.

Rep. Jay Obernolte (R-CA) desperately attempted to restore order before the House descended into full therapy session.

"Colleagues, this is a serious topic. We will debate it respectfully and deliberately," admonished Obernolte.

Tlaib then invoked the sacred congressional ritual known as "words taken down," a process originally created so lawmakers could survive exposure to opposing opinions.

"Yes, Mr. Speaker, I am. That is a direct attack on my character. I please request to strike the words down," said Tlaib.

The House immediately suspended all legislative activity while officials launched an emergency investigation into whether anyone’s feelings had been insufficiently validated.

For nearly an hour, Congress halted debate, amendments, and votes to determine whether Miller’s remarks violated the chamber’s strict rules prohibiting members from saying what everyone just heard them say.

Eventually, Obernolte ruled against Miller.

"The words of the gentleman from Ohio contain an allegation that the gentlewoman from Michigan is a ‘butcher’ and affiliated with a terrorist organization," said Obernolte. "Such remarks impugn the patriotism and loyalty of the member of the House."

The ruling effectively sentenced Miller to congressional solitary confinement for the remainder of the day, though lawmakers noted that punishment still falls short of forcing him to watch MSNBC.

But Republicans were not backing down.

House Foreign Affairs Committee Chairman Brian Mast (R-FL) delivered a message from Miller after House leadership confiscated his speaking privileges like a middle-school principal taking away a vape pen.

"‘Yes, I said it. I own it. And I stand by it,’" Mast declared.

Mast then attempted to enter articles regarding Tlaib’s alleged associations into the congressional record, but Tlaib objected faster than CNN fact-checkers during a Trump speech.

Meanwhile, lawmakers also discussed whether artificial intelligence could someday referee congressional disputes.

"AI is actually very good at this," said Obernolte. "You give it a rules manual and then you give it a specific instance and say ‘Is this in compliance with rules or is this a violation of the rules?’"

Experts agreed Congress would likely embrace AI immediately once they discovered it could automatically censor Republicans without requiring overtime from parliamentary staff.

At press time, House Democrats were reportedly drafting new rules prohibiting "microaggressions," "hostile eye contact," and "excessive disagreement."

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