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Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Kerry says Pokemom GO is a bigger threat than ISIS

A save from getting caught picking his nose
Secretary of State John Kerry spoke at the University of Liberal Thought on Monday where he discussed the current dangers facing Western civilization, aka the once upon a time free world.

"While many will say that the greatest dangers we face in the world today is that of ISIS and other terrorist organizations and air conditioners, we cannot rule out the threat posed by Pokemon GO.," the silver-haired Vietnam war hero said.

"People from all Western walks of life are mesmerized by this fascinating game. However, it is clear to this administration, as I believe it is clear to you fine people here at ULT, that Pokemon GO takes ones focus away from the environment and the dangers of global warming, as well as the air conditioners to deal with it which pose another immediate danger."

Coincidentally, as Kerry spoke to the students, most of whom were majoring in gender studies, LGBTQ studies, and Peruvian underwater basket weaving, a Black Lives Matter protest broke out in front of the gymnasium where Kerry was speaking. Forty-seven white students were hurt trying to run away from the scene, and six police officers suffered slight gunshot wounds from the protesters. 

Mr. Kerry was unhurt but gave himself a medal for bravery anyway.

It was like those three months he spent in Vietnam all over again.